10 DAY WITHOUT DIETING - and you know what I feel gross. Besides fried okra - I don't think I ate a single vegetable. Ryan didn't even call me once - well he did call when I asked him through a text to tuck me in. But he complain that he is bored of watching tv and doing nothing. But while on the phone he will basically drift off and watch tv while its on mute. I can tell he is doing it and tried to bring up the fact that it is rude - I tried to explain it like what if he was trying to talk to Josh and Josh continued to watch tv or play the video game and just muted it. Basically dividing his attention and not really listening. I guess I am not saying anything important - but asking for someones undivided attention is not a lot to ask. The next night I called him during dinner with Josh and Lindsey and asked him to call me back and tuck me in. Then he did it again and got a phone call to play video game and wanted to hang up. Then the third night I am excited to come home and I called him - I even tried to make sure that I didn't call during The Walking Dead - I even ask I he want to talk and tuck me in. After about 10 minutes he says he going to let me sleep and get back to watching tv. 10 days away I don't even feel he missed me. He says it - but his actions are different he doesn't call or take the time. I don't feel more important that his stupid tv or video games. On top of that all he never technically invited me to his familys thanksgiving. He said that he was going to help Kim and make so dishes of his own. He asked what time was mine and I say I wasn't sure but we usually do ours at 2 as well. Then he said it doesn't matter he could be flexible. I like the way I am - at least I think I do. But if I am not as important as all those other things in his life - maybe thats the way I should treat him too. No calling, writing and texting - friends, family, tv and video games are all more important than him. It seems all backwards and lazy to me. Other people do appreciate me and maybe its them who should get my attention.
Enough whining - I had a wonderful trip. Everyone was so polite and welcoming. Tim helped with the kids - without comment or delay. Never complained argued with Amy. They know how to be a family and help each other. Be thankful and apprechetitive. I felt like they were a loving family that knew how to love back. Sometimes I wonderr if Ryan can ever love me the way that I need. I think that I am saying that all wrong - because I shouldn't need anyones love but my own. But can we ever grow with love into better people - or will I always want to hold back because I don't feel love from him. Why is he always wanting to ruin my good time and get rid of me.
