10 DAY WITHOUT DIETING - and you know what I feel gross. Besides fried okra - I don't think I ate a single vegetable. Ryan didn't even call me once - well he did call when I asked him through a text to tuck me in. But he complain that he is bored of watching tv and doing nothing. But while on the phone he will basically drift off and watch tv while its on mute. I can tell he is doing it and tried to bring up the fact that it is rude - I tried to explain it like what if he was trying to talk to Josh and Josh continued to watch tv or play the video game and just muted it. Basically dividing his attention and not really listening. I guess I am not saying anything important - but asking for someones undivided attention is not a lot to ask. The next night I called him during dinner with Josh and Lindsey and asked him to call me back and tuck me in. Then he did it again and got a phone call to play video game and wanted to hang up. Then the third night I am excited to come home and I called him - I even tried to make sure that I didn't call during The Walking Dead - I even ask I he want to talk and tuck me in. After about 10 minutes he says he going to let me sleep and get back to watching tv. 10 days away I don't even feel he missed me. He says it - but his actions are different he doesn't call or take the time. I don't feel more important that his stupid tv or video games. On top of that all he never technically invited me to his familys thanksgiving. He said that he was going to help Kim and make so dishes of his own. He asked what time was mine and I say I wasn't sure but we usually do ours at 2 as well. Then he said it doesn't matter he could be flexible. I like the way I am - at least I think I do. But if I am not as important as all those other things in his life - maybe thats the way I should treat him too. No calling, writing and texting - friends, family, tv and video games are all more important than him. It seems all backwards and lazy to me. Other people do appreciate me and maybe its them who should get my attention.
Enough whining - I had a wonderful trip. Everyone was so polite and welcoming. Tim helped with the kids - without comment or delay. Never complained argued with Amy. They know how to be a family and help each other. Be thankful and apprechetitive. I felt like they were a loving family that knew how to love back. Sometimes I wonderr if Ryan can ever love me the way that I need. I think that I am saying that all wrong - because I shouldn't need anyones love but my own. But can we ever grow with love into better people - or will I always want to hold back because I don't feel love from him. Why is he always wanting to ruin my good time and get rid of me.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Grrr. moment
I went to Safeway with my sister and parked in a handicap parking space and had an older man tell me that they monitor these spaces. I responded with "I know, I am handicapped." Maybe I don't look it - maybe he thought that I was taking advantage of the system and misusing the handicap placard. But it made me mad and then upset. That was one of the main reason why I didn't want a placard in the first place because people don't know and most of the time I don't look disabled. The ironic part of the whole morning was I had just finished the last day of my infusions.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Returning kindness
It was one of those beautiful days at the farmers market - I was in a sun dress and all. Met up with Ryan for a crepe (ham, cheese, tomatoes and olives) drank coffee from home. I wished he noticed my weight loss efforts - it wasn't like I lost a couple pounds but 20!!! He says I always look good to him - but come on 20 pounds and you don't notice thats a little thick headed. I even gave him hints like I am able to wear clothes I haven't been able to wear in a long time. Nothing - but he noticed Lindsays weight loss - and he lives in the same house as her. His excuse was that she is out of shape and a big girl. But that doesn't make sense because 20 pounds on a big girls in proportioned to 20 pounds on someone smaller should be noticed more. Ugg guys. At least he noticed the dress - but I think that more of a pretty garment I am wearing than noticing my physical change. Anyways that put a damper on my lovely day I tried to turn it around and be silly by writing on his really dirty car (I < 3 pnut) and then continued to tattoo him with a pen - MINE & I < 3 pnut. Later I found out he wiped it off before he went out for the night. I wasn't like I put it somewhere visible. =*(
After he left to go back to work I shopped for my vegetables for the week. I ended up stopping an old man from forgetting his prescription glasses at a booth. He was so thankful that he asked to pay for my grapes without my knowing. What an unexpected surprise! I just shows that good deeds don't go unnoticed.
After he left to go back to work I shopped for my vegetables for the week. I ended up stopping an old man from forgetting his prescription glasses at a booth. He was so thankful that he asked to pay for my grapes without my knowing. What an unexpected surprise! I just shows that good deeds don't go unnoticed.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Letter to People Without Hepatitis C by Bek Oberin
Has anyone seen this or know the author. I've found it in Lupus, MS, so why not MG?
What Having An Autoimmune Disease Means...
Having one means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about autoimmune diseases and it's effects on us; and many of those who think they do know are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand...
These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me:
Please understand that being sick does not mean I'm no longer a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain, weakness and exhaustion and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, and work, and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.
Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm still not in a lot of pain, weak, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please, don't say "Oh, you are sounding better!" I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you are welcome to.
Please understand that being able to stand for 10 minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand for 20 minutes or an hour. Just because I was able to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn't mean I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases and disorders one is either paralyzed, or they can move. With this illness it's far more confusing: one hour or day or week or year we may have normal - or almost normal - mobility; the next hour or day or week or year we may be unable to sit, stand, walk, think, remember, or even get out of bed, we may be unsociable or depressed. We have good days and bad, and during our good days we may truly not "look sick", but we are.
Please understand that making plans other than immediate ones is a crap shoot at best, because we can't know how we will feel or what our physical, mental or emotional condition will be. If we seem to hedge about making plans with you, please understand it's because we truly don't know if we will be able to honor them. The same applies if we have to cancel plans previously made or invitations, even at the last minute - it is not personal, and it makes us as frustrated and sad as it does you! That is what autoimmune disease does to us, and it's how we must live our lives. It is not just a matter of sucking it in, or bucking up, or psyching ourselves up; believe me if we could, we would!
Please understand that this is variable - with each person and from person to person. It is quite possible and often all too common, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or bicycle 2-4 miles, or swim 12 laps, or even run with my dog; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, walking to the kitchen, or be unable to walk at all without a cane, walker or other mobility aid. Please don't attack me when I can't do today what I did before by saying "but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!" Your frustration can not begin to compare to our own frustration. The very act of planning while not knowing what condition we will be in is stressful and tiring in itself. If you want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can. I may well dearly want to go, but simply be physically unable to do so. Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon.
Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better and can often make me seriously worse. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to lose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes, take these vitamins, herbs, tonics and snake-oil cures will frustrate me to tears and is totally incorrect. If I was capable of doing things, don't you think I would? And when I am capable, I DO! I work with my doctors and physical therapists and follow the exercise and diet plans they prescribe.
Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..." Obviously, neurological conditions directly impacts muscles and ours do not regenerate as quickly as yours do. Pushing ourselves beyond comfortable physical limits can be dangerous and cause a severe relapse. On the other hand, doing what we can when we can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and we do! If I work at a part-time job for 4 hours one day, my fatigue level is greater than yours if you worked a 12 hour day. Many days I can still do anything I ever did as well as I ever did ... but only one thing per day or week or month. Everything drains us and exhausts us exponentially more than a normal, healthy person our age (whatever age that is); our recovery time is also exponentially greater. If I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down. My condition causes secondary depression in and of itself; our depression may escalate when dealing with days on end of constant pain and limited mobility or cognitive function. We are NOT tired because we are depressed! We are depressed because we are so tired.
When I say I can't do something because I am so fatigued, please don't say "Oh I know what you mean! I am worn out too, but..." because you don't. The fatigue is not like any tiredness you have ever experienced, nor has anyone who does not have fatigue-producing disorder. I know you mean well, but it's irritating to hear because it tells me you don't understand me or my condition at all. I may well be just plain tired - we get normally tired during remission phases just as any normal person does - but trust me: we know the difference, and it's huge.
When we are together, please understand when I say I have to sit down, lie down, get a drink, take these pills, or get into a cool place that I have to do it and do it now! No, I can't walk another 5 blocks to the car, or walk back down the hill I just climbed up. Don't baby me, don't hover over me, don't do things for me unless I ask - we are very proud and never want to be a burden. Our independence, or what we can retain of it, is of paramount importance to us! Please help by listening to and believing what we say we need and act upon it accordingly and as quickly as possible. You wouldn't question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don't question us or urge us to 'keep on... we are almost there!' Not unless you are prepared to a) carry us the rest of the way or b) call 911. Flare ups do not wait, nor do they forgive... when we say "please ... now!" it means now.
If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my family and friends suggest something at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even markedly helped, all forms of autoimmune disease, the world would know about it. If you still insist on promoting 'cures' to me or giving me 'this will make you better' advice, do so; but understand I won't rush out and try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctors.
In many ways I depend on you... people who are not sick... I need you to visit with me when I am unable to go out; sometimes I may need you to help me with shopping, cooking or cleaning; sometimes I may even need you to do those things for me. I may need you to go with me to my doctor appointments to help me remember and understand their direction, or I may just need a ride. I need you on so many different levels... as much as possible, treat me as normally as possible, enjoy me and allow me to enjoy you as much as possible, and.... as much as it's possible...
I need you to understand me.
What Having An Autoimmune Disease Means...
Having one means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about autoimmune diseases and it's effects on us; and many of those who think they do know are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand...
These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me:
Please understand that being sick does not mean I'm no longer a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain, weakness and exhaustion and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, and work, and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.
Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm still not in a lot of pain, weak, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please, don't say "Oh, you are sounding better!" I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you are welcome to.
Please understand that being able to stand for 10 minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand for 20 minutes or an hour. Just because I was able to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn't mean I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases and disorders one is either paralyzed, or they can move. With this illness it's far more confusing: one hour or day or week or year we may have normal - or almost normal - mobility; the next hour or day or week or year we may be unable to sit, stand, walk, think, remember, or even get out of bed, we may be unsociable or depressed. We have good days and bad, and during our good days we may truly not "look sick", but we are.
Please understand that making plans other than immediate ones is a crap shoot at best, because we can't know how we will feel or what our physical, mental or emotional condition will be. If we seem to hedge about making plans with you, please understand it's because we truly don't know if we will be able to honor them. The same applies if we have to cancel plans previously made or invitations, even at the last minute - it is not personal, and it makes us as frustrated and sad as it does you! That is what autoimmune disease does to us, and it's how we must live our lives. It is not just a matter of sucking it in, or bucking up, or psyching ourselves up; believe me if we could, we would!
Please understand that this is variable - with each person and from person to person. It is quite possible and often all too common, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or bicycle 2-4 miles, or swim 12 laps, or even run with my dog; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, walking to the kitchen, or be unable to walk at all without a cane, walker or other mobility aid. Please don't attack me when I can't do today what I did before by saying "but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!" Your frustration can not begin to compare to our own frustration. The very act of planning while not knowing what condition we will be in is stressful and tiring in itself. If you want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can. I may well dearly want to go, but simply be physically unable to do so. Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon.
Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better and can often make me seriously worse. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to lose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes, take these vitamins, herbs, tonics and snake-oil cures will frustrate me to tears and is totally incorrect. If I was capable of doing things, don't you think I would? And when I am capable, I DO! I work with my doctors and physical therapists and follow the exercise and diet plans they prescribe.
Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..." Obviously, neurological conditions directly impacts muscles and ours do not regenerate as quickly as yours do. Pushing ourselves beyond comfortable physical limits can be dangerous and cause a severe relapse. On the other hand, doing what we can when we can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and we do! If I work at a part-time job for 4 hours one day, my fatigue level is greater than yours if you worked a 12 hour day. Many days I can still do anything I ever did as well as I ever did ... but only one thing per day or week or month. Everything drains us and exhausts us exponentially more than a normal, healthy person our age (whatever age that is); our recovery time is also exponentially greater. If I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down. My condition causes secondary depression in and of itself; our depression may escalate when dealing with days on end of constant pain and limited mobility or cognitive function. We are NOT tired because we are depressed! We are depressed because we are so tired.
When I say I can't do something because I am so fatigued, please don't say "Oh I know what you mean! I am worn out too, but..." because you don't. The fatigue is not like any tiredness you have ever experienced, nor has anyone who does not have fatigue-producing disorder. I know you mean well, but it's irritating to hear because it tells me you don't understand me or my condition at all. I may well be just plain tired - we get normally tired during remission phases just as any normal person does - but trust me: we know the difference, and it's huge.
When we are together, please understand when I say I have to sit down, lie down, get a drink, take these pills, or get into a cool place that I have to do it and do it now! No, I can't walk another 5 blocks to the car, or walk back down the hill I just climbed up. Don't baby me, don't hover over me, don't do things for me unless I ask - we are very proud and never want to be a burden. Our independence, or what we can retain of it, is of paramount importance to us! Please help by listening to and believing what we say we need and act upon it accordingly and as quickly as possible. You wouldn't question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don't question us or urge us to 'keep on... we are almost there!' Not unless you are prepared to a) carry us the rest of the way or b) call 911. Flare ups do not wait, nor do they forgive... when we say "please ... now!" it means now.
If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my family and friends suggest something at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even markedly helped, all forms of autoimmune disease, the world would know about it. If you still insist on promoting 'cures' to me or giving me 'this will make you better' advice, do so; but understand I won't rush out and try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctors.
In many ways I depend on you... people who are not sick... I need you to visit with me when I am unable to go out; sometimes I may need you to help me with shopping, cooking or cleaning; sometimes I may even need you to do those things for me. I may need you to go with me to my doctor appointments to help me remember and understand their direction, or I may just need a ride. I need you on so many different levels... as much as possible, treat me as normally as possible, enjoy me and allow me to enjoy you as much as possible, and.... as much as it's possible...
I need you to understand me.
Bearboat Pinot Noir 2008 Sonoma Coast
Bearboat Pinot Noir 2008 Sonoma Coast
Camping trip at Dillon Beach
This is the story of Mac and Zeke, two inquisitive bears who find themselves on a quest to enjoy life's great curiosities. With no actual destination in mind, they prefer to take in their surroundings and simply enjoy the journey. You'll find them adrift wherever the current and the occasional row may take them.
The dramatically cool and foggy climate of the Sonoma Coast produces a Pinot Noir that is elegant and intensely structured. The aromas are a blend of strawberry and red cherry with a toasty vanilla spice flower and lingering finish. Pairs beautifully with pork tenderloin or herb-crusted salmon. (Or hotdogs and barbeque beans =))
Camping trip at Dillon Beach
This is the story of Mac and Zeke, two inquisitive bears who find themselves on a quest to enjoy life's great curiosities. With no actual destination in mind, they prefer to take in their surroundings and simply enjoy the journey. You'll find them adrift wherever the current and the occasional row may take them.
The dramatically cool and foggy climate of the Sonoma Coast produces a Pinot Noir that is elegant and intensely structured. The aromas are a blend of strawberry and red cherry with a toasty vanilla spice flower and lingering finish. Pairs beautifully with pork tenderloin or herb-crusted salmon. (Or hotdogs and barbeque beans =))
Friday, August 5, 2011
Ratatouille in Jack London Square
Went for a small walk in the morning with John - he was trying out his new toe shoes. I was tired and weak - I should have taken pills to function better, I guess the infusions haven't kicked in yet. 2 x 15 min miles walking. And long nap afterwards.
When I went over to Ryan's house - he was tired and didn't want to workout. He had to fix the drains at the cafe with acid. If we worked out he wouldn't have time to relax and unwind. He said he just wanted to nap and shower. So I ended up giving him a massage while he took a nap while watching Wanted with Angelina Jolie on tv. I woke him up and told him the time so that we could get going. We ate so quick corn dogs. And he showered and I went home to change and get ready.
Packed camping chairs, some capri salad and fired rice. Went to the store to get bread and cream cheese (Safeway $5.26) to eat with Lisa's jalapeno jelly. Figured it would be cheaper to pack a picnic. Parking at Jack London Square ($6.25) but at least the movie was free. Plus I entered a raffle and won a gift basket from Scott's which included a bottle of wine. =) Ryan still hates all those gimmicks like free raffles and coupons - it almost makes me feel cheap and stupid that I even look out for those things. It makes me not want to do those things too.
I still enjoyed it - but next time I am thinking about bringing a hot thermos of either coffee or tea with biscuits. Made be even hot chili or soup. They had Ratatouille there in bread bowls - it made me want clam chowder!!
When I went over to Ryan's house - he was tired and didn't want to workout. He had to fix the drains at the cafe with acid. If we worked out he wouldn't have time to relax and unwind. He said he just wanted to nap and shower. So I ended up giving him a massage while he took a nap while watching Wanted with Angelina Jolie on tv. I woke him up and told him the time so that we could get going. We ate so quick corn dogs. And he showered and I went home to change and get ready.
Packed camping chairs, some capri salad and fired rice. Went to the store to get bread and cream cheese (Safeway $5.26) to eat with Lisa's jalapeno jelly. Figured it would be cheaper to pack a picnic. Parking at Jack London Square ($6.25) but at least the movie was free. Plus I entered a raffle and won a gift basket from Scott's which included a bottle of wine. =) Ryan still hates all those gimmicks like free raffles and coupons - it almost makes me feel cheap and stupid that I even look out for those things. It makes me not want to do those things too.
I still enjoyed it - but next time I am thinking about bringing a hot thermos of either coffee or tea with biscuits. Made be even hot chili or soup. They had Ratatouille there in bread bowls - it made me want clam chowder!!
Happy Hour and Harry Potter
I am not sure I like having a phone or not. On one hand - I can't consistently check it and realize what a loser I am and no one has called. Then again technology is too good and there are so many ways to get a hold of people if you really wanted to. Home phone, emails and facebook. You can even call my family or friends if I am with them. So me not having a phone shouldn't stop anyone from hanging out with me if they really wanted to. It makes me think about last night when Ryan didn't try to figure things out or get a hold of me. Then is having so much fun - doesn't include me, invited me to play video games (which I don't play) and even worse makes me feel like I am intruding on him. It all makes me want to keep my distance so I don't get hurt and feel like a fool for trying too hard. I remember Lisa talking to Jen Bruno about a trip they went on or maybe they were just hanging out and their entire conversation was on their men. What were they guys doing right now and so forth. I found it enduring and so true - that what I am thinking and feeling or missing. It also makes me feel lopsided in the relationship. That is not how Ryan thinks at all - and even worse it reminds me for when he came home after one trip and I like a love sick teenager had baked cookies for everyone coming back for their drives home. Had washed Ryans sheets and lit candles even had godiva chocolates that reminded me of a valentines we once had. Not only did he not embrace me right when he got back but called me crazy when I called Dan because he never turned on his phone when he landed or arrived at his final destination. He even forgot his phone charger. With permission from Chassity (her and I talked about how we missed the guys) I called Kevin because he had verizon and wouldn't get charger if I called him to talk to Ryan during his layover on his way back. Once again it was met with annoyance. Grr. Even after all that rudeness I still missed him and tries to welcome him home. Grr. And he wonders why I hate his qzar trips.
Met up with Ryan and walked around todo santos plaza - checked on prices to get my ipod fixed $50-$100. So hungry we ate a Bruce's roll while we killed time. Caught happy hour with Dan and Lisa at La Pinata. Got Chicken Nachos and a Quesadilla that fed the four of us for under $11. The boys went to qzar and Lisa and I went to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 - I still think the books will always be better than the movies but since it had been so long since I read the book; I lost a lot of the details and was able to enjoy the movie on its own.
After the movie we walking around a bit just talking books (Pick Your Poison) and crafts. And then we got on to the topics of her job and inquired about the position I applied for. Edo had made a decision, and offered the job to someone getting her masters in business and is pretty much over qualified for the position yet she has taken two weeks to think about it and has yet to accept it. I don't get her bosses because they are not actually working together and getting things done, not compromising or even listening to each other. For example the position is suppose to be an admin position to help Lisa out - Lisa's boss is Amy - Lisa and Amy want me. HR department and Edo (Amy's Boss) also have an opinion on this matter. So basically they didn't like me. So now I know a couple of this that they are very disorganized and they didn't pick me. I am not sure how I feel about that. For one it doesn't make me want to work with them and get involved in a place that is so far behind and stressful. Reminds me of a saying - too many cook spoil the broth. And there seems like there is no time and no trust between anyone. And of course there is the part of me that wants to prove them wrong. My mom thinks if they do offer it to me - I should still take it. Ryan says I should keep applying.
Met up with Ryan and walked around todo santos plaza - checked on prices to get my ipod fixed $50-$100. So hungry we ate a Bruce's roll while we killed time. Caught happy hour with Dan and Lisa at La Pinata. Got Chicken Nachos and a Quesadilla that fed the four of us for under $11. The boys went to qzar and Lisa and I went to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 - I still think the books will always be better than the movies but since it had been so long since I read the book; I lost a lot of the details and was able to enjoy the movie on its own.
After the movie we walking around a bit just talking books (Pick Your Poison) and crafts. And then we got on to the topics of her job and inquired about the position I applied for. Edo had made a decision, and offered the job to someone getting her masters in business and is pretty much over qualified for the position yet she has taken two weeks to think about it and has yet to accept it. I don't get her bosses because they are not actually working together and getting things done, not compromising or even listening to each other. For example the position is suppose to be an admin position to help Lisa out - Lisa's boss is Amy - Lisa and Amy want me. HR department and Edo (Amy's Boss) also have an opinion on this matter. So basically they didn't like me. So now I know a couple of this that they are very disorganized and they didn't pick me. I am not sure how I feel about that. For one it doesn't make me want to work with them and get involved in a place that is so far behind and stressful. Reminds me of a saying - too many cook spoil the broth. And there seems like there is no time and no trust between anyone. And of course there is the part of me that wants to prove them wrong. My mom thinks if they do offer it to me - I should still take it. Ryan says I should keep applying.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Johnnay's 31st Birthday
John and Mom had the day off so we started the morning off with breakfast at Digger's Diner. John had never been there before. Grr.. In the morning its so hard to find a mini breakfast when you don't eat eggs. I ended up getting chicken strips and garlic fries. Then we walked around the farmer's market and I met up with Ryan and dad met up with Mom and John (they watched Harry Potter the Deathly Hallows part 2). Ryan and I tried to find John a mud pie at Baskin Robbins; no luck you have to order it. Went to the bank and then went back to my house and I napped basically until Mom, Dad and John got out of the movies. Ryan went back to work.
So once I got back together with the family we went shopping at REI - John wanted to try on toe shoes and my parents ended up getting him that for his birthday. Then we went shopping at Barnes and Noble (for my book light no luck) and then Target were mom went crazy getting baby John Anthony toys and clothes. Then we picked dad up from CJ's and all went to Costco. Tri-Tip and Salmon to barbecue then we decided we were lazy and we all ate dinner there.
This was tuesday - which is normally date night when we hangout with Dan and Catherine and cook dinner or hangout. Well I was hoping that my efforts to include Jason and Anthony were not in vain. But Ryan warned me that they always flake and not to plan. So I didn't and just stuck with family. If anything we could have eaten whatever we planned on eating for John's birthday because lets face it we are Caponio's and love to eat and just hangout in the backyard. In the morning I told Ryan to call everyone and let me know - nothing - he said he left messages with everyone. Other than that he sent a text that said he was going to go hangout at Dans pool. I got a hold of him when I finished with my family. He was hanging out with Josh and Dan playing video games. We never did end up getting together. I hate trying to be thoughtful and try to include people. I still get the feeling no one wants me around. On top of that I learn that Ryan and Dan popped open a bottle of wine. Grr..
So once I got back together with the family we went shopping at REI - John wanted to try on toe shoes and my parents ended up getting him that for his birthday. Then we went shopping at Barnes and Noble (for my book light no luck) and then Target were mom went crazy getting baby John Anthony toys and clothes. Then we picked dad up from CJ's and all went to Costco. Tri-Tip and Salmon to barbecue then we decided we were lazy and we all ate dinner there.
This was tuesday - which is normally date night when we hangout with Dan and Catherine and cook dinner or hangout. Well I was hoping that my efforts to include Jason and Anthony were not in vain. But Ryan warned me that they always flake and not to plan. So I didn't and just stuck with family. If anything we could have eaten whatever we planned on eating for John's birthday because lets face it we are Caponio's and love to eat and just hangout in the backyard. In the morning I told Ryan to call everyone and let me know - nothing - he said he left messages with everyone. Other than that he sent a text that said he was going to go hangout at Dans pool. I got a hold of him when I finished with my family. He was hanging out with Josh and Dan playing video games. We never did end up getting together. I hate trying to be thoughtful and try to include people. I still get the feeling no one wants me around. On top of that I learn that Ryan and Dan popped open a bottle of wine. Grr..
Apple Store and Movie
John came to the house at 8 in the morning - apparently he went into work and they gave him today and tomorrow off and said to have a nice birthday. He was so excited and so full of energy - I tried to muster up some of my own after my infusion so he would have someone to hangout with. Dad, John and I ended up going to Walnut Creek Apple Store so that John could get so errands done. He need to get his iphone fixed. We got there at 10 and they gave him an appointment time of 1. So we ended up playing with everything in the store and lost dad; he went to find cigarettes at the store. So we headed down to safeway and jamba juice but still no dad. So we went back to the Apple Store and found him at the light. He had went to the gas station not the store. So we still have about 3 hours to kill and we deciding between eating and a movie. We decided on watching Cowboys and Aliens - dad got popcorn and candy. The movie was pretty much what I thought it would be action porn. For me it didn't hit any milestone qualities like Independence Day or Armageddon or E.T.
Dad took off to the bar while John and I headed back to the Apple Store to wait for his appointment. I looked at ipods to replace my broken one. Still not sure what to get. A small one I can run with or a large on that can hold everything.
Shuffle 2GB $49
Nano 8GB $149 / 16GB $179
Classic 160GB $249
Touch 8GB $229 / 32GB $299 / 64GB $399
While we were getting the phone fixed dad picked mom up from bart and then we all went home. I went to work out with Ryan (Legs & Back). Ate corndogs and cesear salad for dinner. I took a nap while Ryan played Call of Duty with the guys.
Dad took off to the bar while John and I headed back to the Apple Store to wait for his appointment. I looked at ipods to replace my broken one. Still not sure what to get. A small one I can run with or a large on that can hold everything.
Shuffle 2GB $49
Nano 8GB $149 / 16GB $179
Classic 160GB $249
Touch 8GB $229 / 32GB $299 / 64GB $399
While we were getting the phone fixed dad picked mom up from bart and then we all went home. I went to work out with Ryan (Legs & Back). Ate corndogs and cesear salad for dinner. I took a nap while Ryan played Call of Duty with the guys.
Monday, August 1, 2011
A's Game
Went to the A's game with Catherine, Elliott and mom. Elliott met us at the house and we took bart over around 9am. Just to get in line for free jerseys. We were basically there three hours before the game even started. Catherine did find us good seats - slightly behind the third base but we were in the sun the majority of the game. Since we were there so early we found our seats and went shopping. I think mom brought baby Johnny an A's shirt and Catherine got a green jersey. Then we got pizza's and sat down - they still didn't start the game yet. Catherine booed the others teams line-up and the umpires. I found that very distasteful - poor sportsman like of her. But to get her credit she also yelled at the A's when they made mistakes. Still not my cup of tea to be at sports game - although I did enjoy the free jersey. Dartanyan wanted to join but Catherine was annoyed with him and didn't want him tagging along. Dartanyan wanted to come because Catherine was mad at him. I don't get that. Mom even tried to give up her ticket for him - and I wanted to scold her I didn't want to go to the game with just the kids - at least mom and I got to keep each other company and read our books.
Dartanyan didn't end up joining us - which was probably a good thing that way Elliott wasn't a third wheel. Ryan would always be my first choice if I had an extra ticket. I wonder if that would be the same in reverse - would Ryan think to bring me? Probably not his first choice depending on what the event was. Grr.. stupid No Doubt concert and Amy. He asked me if I wanted to go - didn't say he bought me a ticket. I hate being broke that is always my deciding factor when I get invited is the money issue. He should have just said he got me the ticket because he wanted me to go. Because I wanted to go. But nope he gave the extra ticket to Amy - I think he secretly wanted that because he hide that fact from me. I should see these signs.
Anyways it was a long day in the sun, on my feet and even a long time seated and being cramped. Puffy was upset with the bad food and lack of water. As soon as I got home I called him and hoped he would say something nice like he missed me. Nope he was just bored of watching tv all day. I think by this time it was around 6 and I was torn between sleeping or resting, eating and taking pills. But I shouldn't eat before I workout. Can't take pills so I can workout without eating and I don't want to sleep because I might get too tired or sleep too long and end up not working out. I ended up just going to workout and that was almost a waste considering I was so weak and tired.
For dinner we finished off the crab by making crab melts and watching shark week until we fell asleep.
Dartanyan didn't end up joining us - which was probably a good thing that way Elliott wasn't a third wheel. Ryan would always be my first choice if I had an extra ticket. I wonder if that would be the same in reverse - would Ryan think to bring me? Probably not his first choice depending on what the event was. Grr.. stupid No Doubt concert and Amy. He asked me if I wanted to go - didn't say he bought me a ticket. I hate being broke that is always my deciding factor when I get invited is the money issue. He should have just said he got me the ticket because he wanted me to go. Because I wanted to go. But nope he gave the extra ticket to Amy - I think he secretly wanted that because he hide that fact from me. I should see these signs.
Anyways it was a long day in the sun, on my feet and even a long time seated and being cramped. Puffy was upset with the bad food and lack of water. As soon as I got home I called him and hoped he would say something nice like he missed me. Nope he was just bored of watching tv all day. I think by this time it was around 6 and I was torn between sleeping or resting, eating and taking pills. But I shouldn't eat before I workout. Can't take pills so I can workout without eating and I don't want to sleep because I might get too tired or sleep too long and end up not working out. I ended up just going to workout and that was almost a waste considering I was so weak and tired.
For dinner we finished off the crab by making crab melts and watching shark week until we fell asleep.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
10 Miles and Rebecca's 29th Birthday - Esin Restaurant & Bar
Lisa Gardner Hallet - Hallett will attempt an ultra-marathon, or 52.4 miles, as she runs in the annual San Francisco Marathon. She says 26.2 miles has just become too easy for her - and easy alone doesn't properly honor her hero husband. So far, the most she has ever run, at age 30, is 32 miles.
This my inspiration to push myself. I wish I could do a marathon or even an-ultra marathon. I wonder what it must feel like get to the point where 26.2 miles is easy. I remember when my mileage counter was up to 10 miles a day. Now one mile is hard, I am not fast at all but I keep at it. I have worked up to 4 miles walk/jog. But because its in my head I must try to do it. I set my goal at 10 miles. I am not sure why - Lisa and I were never friends in high school and I didn't know her husband. I am touched by her story - its like a real life fairy tale; a love that continues and a grief and passion that honors it. I want this for myself. And I want to get to a point where I can use running to cope and meditate.
10 miles was hard. But I finished. Shaved a couple of seconds off my mile time in the process and even each of my splits time improved during my first four miles. I also think the music helped the time pass. Mile five, six and seven were hard but doable - I was still able to walk/jog the majority of them. I think it was doing mile seven I started off with a water cramp and tried to walk it off and from that point on the pain set in my toes and ankles felt weak and I just got so tired. Even my walking times were bad for me. I gave up on the time aspect of it and just wanted to finish. Tried to enjoy the dogs, the sun and breeze and music. It felt good - I do recall if I have ever even tried something like that before, even when I was in shape. I treated myself to caesar salad, grapefruit and a iced mocha coffee.
Didn't get much of a break in between workouts. But I did sit in a cold bath to help numb my poor feet and ankles. Met up with Ryan for Shoulders and Arms. By the time we finished we only had 15 minutes to get ready for Rebecca's birthday dinner.
This is a new place for Ryan and I - Esin Restaurant & Bar in Danville with Jenn and Jason, Lisa and David, Joe and Rebecca, Liz and Nowell plus Ryan and myself. For Rebecca's 29th Birthday. You can tell we are all winos - we all brought wine and must have opened 5 or 6 bottle at the table and Joe and Rebecca still left with 3-4 in a bag.
Neither Ryan nor I drank our separate bill was $79 or $80 dollars. Left $20 tip in cash and pitched in $20 for Rebecca's bill. Lets see Ryan and I tried;
Caramelized onion soup with gruyere cheese crouton $8.50
Lucky Dog Ranch Dry Aged Pot Roast with Garlic
Mashed Potatoes & Baby Root Vegetables 19.50
Special* Yellowtail with baby potatoes
Peaches with Applewood Smoked Bacon Bleu Cheese and Balsalmic Vingrette
Overall I don't think that either of us thought that this place was anything special. Mostly over priced. Service took long but that could have been our big group. Liz said that the bread pudding was life changing but Ryan was unimpressed. But even with that being said we cleaned ever single one of our plates off. Ryan didn't like the service because the server asked if he wanted a soup or salad. He was lead to believe the server tried to trick him because his meal didn't come with either. But for the amount we were paying it might as well have. When the server came to me with the same question I ask if it was included with the meal - he said NO. Ryan was giving him a rude look - like he was being misleading. I said that was his job and if he read his menu it didn't say it came with anything and if he wasn't sure or it was confusing he should ask. Then he went on to say the server should just take my order and thats it. With that comment in the beginning, he's not impressed with the yellowtail he ordered and the bread pudding not being anything special. I wasn't even sure he was having a good time. Then he commented on how the rest of the table didn't attempt to interact with us. It was almost like we were at dinner with just Lisa and David. To me that's not a big deal because isn't that what happens in big parties you just don't have the ability to talk to everyone.
Maybe the only redeeming factor is that Ryan gave me a compliment - I guess I was still fishing for it without coming right out to saying it - something about working out and its not fair and I try not to brag about it. Jenn said something about her working out 5 days a week and I have been doing that for awhile now (besides Sianie's visit). Rebecca and Lisa were talking about Pilates-yoga and being sore because how often do you do those movements. The most I said was I ran 10 miles and Ryan said we worked out right before we came. Anyways I even forgot where I was going with this - Oh Ryan said I was the best looking one there. Blah.
This my inspiration to push myself. I wish I could do a marathon or even an-ultra marathon. I wonder what it must feel like get to the point where 26.2 miles is easy. I remember when my mileage counter was up to 10 miles a day. Now one mile is hard, I am not fast at all but I keep at it. I have worked up to 4 miles walk/jog. But because its in my head I must try to do it. I set my goal at 10 miles. I am not sure why - Lisa and I were never friends in high school and I didn't know her husband. I am touched by her story - its like a real life fairy tale; a love that continues and a grief and passion that honors it. I want this for myself. And I want to get to a point where I can use running to cope and meditate.
10 miles was hard. But I finished. Shaved a couple of seconds off my mile time in the process and even each of my splits time improved during my first four miles. I also think the music helped the time pass. Mile five, six and seven were hard but doable - I was still able to walk/jog the majority of them. I think it was doing mile seven I started off with a water cramp and tried to walk it off and from that point on the pain set in my toes and ankles felt weak and I just got so tired. Even my walking times were bad for me. I gave up on the time aspect of it and just wanted to finish. Tried to enjoy the dogs, the sun and breeze and music. It felt good - I do recall if I have ever even tried something like that before, even when I was in shape. I treated myself to caesar salad, grapefruit and a iced mocha coffee.
Didn't get much of a break in between workouts. But I did sit in a cold bath to help numb my poor feet and ankles. Met up with Ryan for Shoulders and Arms. By the time we finished we only had 15 minutes to get ready for Rebecca's birthday dinner.
This is a new place for Ryan and I - Esin Restaurant & Bar in Danville with Jenn and Jason, Lisa and David, Joe and Rebecca, Liz and Nowell plus Ryan and myself. For Rebecca's 29th Birthday. You can tell we are all winos - we all brought wine and must have opened 5 or 6 bottle at the table and Joe and Rebecca still left with 3-4 in a bag.
Neither Ryan nor I drank our separate bill was $79 or $80 dollars. Left $20 tip in cash and pitched in $20 for Rebecca's bill. Lets see Ryan and I tried;
Caramelized onion soup with gruyere cheese crouton $8.50
Lucky Dog Ranch Dry Aged Pot Roast with Garlic
Mashed Potatoes & Baby Root Vegetables 19.50
Special* Yellowtail with baby potatoes
Peaches with Applewood Smoked Bacon Bleu Cheese and Balsalmic Vingrette
Overall I don't think that either of us thought that this place was anything special. Mostly over priced. Service took long but that could have been our big group. Liz said that the bread pudding was life changing but Ryan was unimpressed. But even with that being said we cleaned ever single one of our plates off. Ryan didn't like the service because the server asked if he wanted a soup or salad. He was lead to believe the server tried to trick him because his meal didn't come with either. But for the amount we were paying it might as well have. When the server came to me with the same question I ask if it was included with the meal - he said NO. Ryan was giving him a rude look - like he was being misleading. I said that was his job and if he read his menu it didn't say it came with anything and if he wasn't sure or it was confusing he should ask. Then he went on to say the server should just take my order and thats it. With that comment in the beginning, he's not impressed with the yellowtail he ordered and the bread pudding not being anything special. I wasn't even sure he was having a good time. Then he commented on how the rest of the table didn't attempt to interact with us. It was almost like we were at dinner with just Lisa and David. To me that's not a big deal because isn't that what happens in big parties you just don't have the ability to talk to everyone.
Maybe the only redeeming factor is that Ryan gave me a compliment - I guess I was still fishing for it without coming right out to saying it - something about working out and its not fair and I try not to brag about it. Jenn said something about her working out 5 days a week and I have been doing that for awhile now (besides Sianie's visit). Rebecca and Lisa were talking about Pilates-yoga and being sore because how often do you do those movements. The most I said was I ran 10 miles and Ryan said we worked out right before we came. Anyways I even forgot where I was going with this - Oh Ryan said I was the best looking one there. Blah.
War widow Lisa Hallett runs to honor husband
War widow Lisa Hallett runs to honor husband
Kevin Fagan, Chronicle Staff Writer
San Francisco Chronicle July 25, 2011 04:00 AM Copyright San Francisco Chronicle. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/07/24/MN8L1KCHD1.DTL#ixzz1TfHrtBu1
Lisa Hallett runs away her grief.
She runs to pound down the pain left from when her husband, Army Capt. John Hallett, died in an explosion in Afghanistan nearly two years ago. She runs to help heal other military widows. She runs to keep herself healthy, so she can be the best mom she can be for her three small children.
So far, the most she has ever run, at age 30, is 32 miles. But this coming Sunday, Hallett will bring her grief and her healing and her growing crowd of running comrades to San Francisco to try something she has never tried before.
Hallett will attempt an ultra-marathon, or 52.4 miles, as she runs in the annual San Francisco Marathon. She says 26.2 miles has just become too easy for her - and easy alone doesn't properly honor her hero husband.
"The typical marathon - that's something I can do now, and it's for my sanity, something I really enjoy," said Hallett, who grew up in Concord and now lives in Dupont, Wash. "But 52.4 miles - that's different.
"It's out of my comfort zone. And that's good. It reminds me all over again, in a new way, that I'm doing it for my husband, because he can't do it himself now."
Wear Blue
Hallett won't run alone - she's bringing about 80 people from the nonprofit she founded in Dupont in her husband's memory about a year ago, Wear Blue: Run to Remember, partially named after the blue shirts many soldiers wear while training. The group gathers every Saturday to clock off about 5 miles to honor slain military men and women, and the runners span the gamut from families and friends to veterans.
Over the past year, about 350 people have gone on these Saturday runs. They always start by calling out the names of the dead, and between this simple acknowledgement and the supportive conversations and emotional backup they give each other, the runners have managed to create a sort of mobile group therapy.
Wear Blue has already tackled a couple of marathons in Seattle, but this is the first time it's ranging south. Many will slap the pavement with Hallett, and others will cheer the group on and install posters and flags along the route.
They intend to plant 41 flags - one for each of the infantry soldiers killed in Capt. Hallett's 5th Stryker Brigade, including the captain, during the yearlong period they were deployed in 2009 and 2010.
"John is not just a casualty number," said Hallett. "He's my husband, the father of my children, a redhead who loves swimming and who forgets to wear his shoes. The same goes for every one of the men and women we honor every weekend when we run.
"It will be very special to share these people with San Francisco."
The Halletts met while attending elementary school in Concord, but didn't date until she was at UC Santa Barbara, earning a bachelor's degree, and he was a senior at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. They married in 2003.
Their children are Jackson, 5, Bryce, 3, and year-old Heidi, who all join mom on occasional runs in a triple-seated stroller.
On Sunday, Hallett and five of her running mates will start at 12:01 a.m. at Golden Gate National Cemetery in San Bruno, the military burial site, and grind out 26.2 miles by the time they arrive at Mission Street and the Embarcadero in San Francisco for the marathon.
The race starts at 5:30 a.m. That should give plenty of time for the group to trot up the Peninsula - Hallett's personal best marathon time is three hours and 58 minutes.
The ultra-marathoners will be joined at the official starting line by the rest of their group, plus a couple of dozen runners from Team Red, White and Blue, a Michigan-based nonprofit that helps wounded veterans and their families.
Running to cope
"To some people, being in the military seems simple," said Wear Blue member Georgie Hanlin. "You go around the world, people clap when you go through the airport. But it's a very serious life. No one likes war, but when you take that oath, you go and you do your duty.
"And sometimes you don't come home. Running helps us cope with that."
Hanlin was born and raised in San Francisco, and her husband, Army Capt. Max Hanlin, is a commander in the same unit John Hallett served with.
She'll urge on the runners near the 5-mile mark, symbolic of Hallett's 5th Stryker Brigade.
Joanne Steen, co-author of "Military Widow: A Survival Guide," called the running endeavor "wonderful."
"A lot of times, the way people act out their losses is not always constructive, and what Lisa Hallett has done is an impressive thing," said Steen, whose Navy aviator husband, Lt. Ken Steen, died in a training accident in 1992. "When you suffer a traumatic loss, there is emotional pain that has to be worked through, but what people often don't realize is there is a huge physical component as well.
"It affects your memory, and you can get sick because your immune system is compromised. But running helps keep you healthy."
Hallett said people sometimes ask if she is "dwelling" on her husband's death through her nonprofit.
"I tell them, 'No, this is the opposite of dwelling,' " she said. "It's choosing to live instead. It's choosing to push forward in honor of the men and women who cannot.
"That will get you through mile 18 of a long run, I promise you."
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/07/24/MN8L1KCHD1.DTL#ixzz1TfHkuPT5
Kevin Fagan, Chronicle Staff Writer
San Francisco Chronicle July 25, 2011 04:00 AM Copyright San Francisco Chronicle. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/07/24/MN8L1KCHD1.DTL#ixzz1TfHrtBu1
Lisa Hallett runs away her grief.
She runs to pound down the pain left from when her husband, Army Capt. John Hallett, died in an explosion in Afghanistan nearly two years ago. She runs to help heal other military widows. She runs to keep herself healthy, so she can be the best mom she can be for her three small children.
So far, the most she has ever run, at age 30, is 32 miles. But this coming Sunday, Hallett will bring her grief and her healing and her growing crowd of running comrades to San Francisco to try something she has never tried before.
Hallett will attempt an ultra-marathon, or 52.4 miles, as she runs in the annual San Francisco Marathon. She says 26.2 miles has just become too easy for her - and easy alone doesn't properly honor her hero husband.
"The typical marathon - that's something I can do now, and it's for my sanity, something I really enjoy," said Hallett, who grew up in Concord and now lives in Dupont, Wash. "But 52.4 miles - that's different.
"It's out of my comfort zone. And that's good. It reminds me all over again, in a new way, that I'm doing it for my husband, because he can't do it himself now."
Wear Blue
Hallett won't run alone - she's bringing about 80 people from the nonprofit she founded in Dupont in her husband's memory about a year ago, Wear Blue: Run to Remember, partially named after the blue shirts many soldiers wear while training. The group gathers every Saturday to clock off about 5 miles to honor slain military men and women, and the runners span the gamut from families and friends to veterans.
Over the past year, about 350 people have gone on these Saturday runs. They always start by calling out the names of the dead, and between this simple acknowledgement and the supportive conversations and emotional backup they give each other, the runners have managed to create a sort of mobile group therapy.
Wear Blue has already tackled a couple of marathons in Seattle, but this is the first time it's ranging south. Many will slap the pavement with Hallett, and others will cheer the group on and install posters and flags along the route.
They intend to plant 41 flags - one for each of the infantry soldiers killed in Capt. Hallett's 5th Stryker Brigade, including the captain, during the yearlong period they were deployed in 2009 and 2010.
"John is not just a casualty number," said Hallett. "He's my husband, the father of my children, a redhead who loves swimming and who forgets to wear his shoes. The same goes for every one of the men and women we honor every weekend when we run.
"It will be very special to share these people with San Francisco."
The Halletts met while attending elementary school in Concord, but didn't date until she was at UC Santa Barbara, earning a bachelor's degree, and he was a senior at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. They married in 2003.
Their children are Jackson, 5, Bryce, 3, and year-old Heidi, who all join mom on occasional runs in a triple-seated stroller.
On Sunday, Hallett and five of her running mates will start at 12:01 a.m. at Golden Gate National Cemetery in San Bruno, the military burial site, and grind out 26.2 miles by the time they arrive at Mission Street and the Embarcadero in San Francisco for the marathon.
The race starts at 5:30 a.m. That should give plenty of time for the group to trot up the Peninsula - Hallett's personal best marathon time is three hours and 58 minutes.
The ultra-marathoners will be joined at the official starting line by the rest of their group, plus a couple of dozen runners from Team Red, White and Blue, a Michigan-based nonprofit that helps wounded veterans and their families.
Running to cope
"To some people, being in the military seems simple," said Wear Blue member Georgie Hanlin. "You go around the world, people clap when you go through the airport. But it's a very serious life. No one likes war, but when you take that oath, you go and you do your duty.
"And sometimes you don't come home. Running helps us cope with that."
Hanlin was born and raised in San Francisco, and her husband, Army Capt. Max Hanlin, is a commander in the same unit John Hallett served with.
She'll urge on the runners near the 5-mile mark, symbolic of Hallett's 5th Stryker Brigade.
Joanne Steen, co-author of "Military Widow: A Survival Guide," called the running endeavor "wonderful."
"A lot of times, the way people act out their losses is not always constructive, and what Lisa Hallett has done is an impressive thing," said Steen, whose Navy aviator husband, Lt. Ken Steen, died in a training accident in 1992. "When you suffer a traumatic loss, there is emotional pain that has to be worked through, but what people often don't realize is there is a huge physical component as well.
"It affects your memory, and you can get sick because your immune system is compromised. But running helps keep you healthy."
Hallett said people sometimes ask if she is "dwelling" on her husband's death through her nonprofit.
"I tell them, 'No, this is the opposite of dwelling,' " she said. "It's choosing to live instead. It's choosing to push forward in honor of the men and women who cannot.
"That will get you through mile 18 of a long run, I promise you."
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/07/24/MN8L1KCHD1.DTL#ixzz1TfHkuPT5
Lisa and John Hallet's Love Story
February Inspira(shown): Lisa
John wears only blue, when he has a choice.
When I’m sad, he wraps all of himself around all of me. There is no safer place in the world to be.
He likes his is pecan squares burnt. He hates showering, because he hates to get wet. He is obsessed with the ending of the Sopranos.
I think that leaving the kids for the deployment was the hardest thing he ever did. It was the only time I ever saw him cry.
Everyday he was alive and deployed, I listened to Donovan Frankenreiter and daydreamed about us dancing in the living room to that song. It took me a year before I was able to listen to Donovan Frankenreiter again. I still cry when I hear it because I know what should be.
The first time he deployed, he hid notes all over the house in secret places… It took me an entire year to find each of those love notes.
His nose is crooked from a boxing match in college. He didn’t call me for a week after the first time we kissed because he didn’t want to screw things up.
On our one year dating anniversary, he gave me a heart necklace with three diamonds in it… Now it seems so prophetic… one small diamond for each of our beautiful children. The heart for us.
_____
these are the moments that describe the love between lisa and john. the moments that tie them together and to their 3 kids.
but there is one moment that changed the path of how their love would be defined into the future.
she walked quickly, upping the pace next to the officer leading her. with their two week old, heidi, in her arms, the other two kids in childcare. through the doors, and to be greeted by men in suits rather then their normal military uniform. immediately, they read to her a grievance report, one that explained her husband John had been killed in Afghanistan. A casualty of war. only more than a casualty, a man that was ripped from the life they had planned, the family they formed. the love they grew.
this is the moment she wants forever to go back to just prior. before she knew.
back to even two weeks prior, when she had last spoken to him. only days after their daughter was born. “I haven’t even heard Heidi cry,” he said. “You have forever to hear her cry.” A final conversation that was never intended as a final conversation. those last interactions become the most precious reflected moments. 2 days prior to his deployment, to do a pregnancy shoot which are now the only pictures heidi has with her dad. a trip to Disneyland with the kids, to ride rides and laugh with their dad. leaving July 14th for Afghanistan. August 2nd, their 3rd child Heidi was born. August 5th, their last conversation. August 25th, the day John and 3 others were killed. the day an IED detonated under his stryker vehicle.
i sat on the couch in Lisa’s house, the one she and john built together, and she told me of their love story as so many couples tell me. how she had had a crush on him, how he had left $20 for her to find in the fridge so she’d have gas money to come visit him. how she visited him on valentines weekend where he was stationed in Hawaii. How he said last minute he had a 24 hours shift, for her to go on a hike up a mountain with a girlfriend only to see John at the top of the mountain, with a ring from Tiffany’s. i could feel the intensity in their love, in their story.
she explained the type of man john was. that he wanted to serve, it was his choice. that she knew God only gives us what we can bear, she just wanted to know why He thought she would be able to bear the weight of the loss of her husband. “God knew John was going to die and I have to know that I am doing something good, that God wanted me to do something good with his life.”
it all comes back to running.
2 days after john died, she went on a run. something that was normal for her. something that began to be healing for her. then a friend joined, a wife from John’s brigade. then others started joining. they run wearing their husband’s PT shirts. they run in blue. each saturday, before they run, they call out the names of the soldiers that are lost and those to be honored. “We want to humanize the loss.” The women trained for the Seattle Rock N Roll marathon, and on the 17th mile there was 41 flags with the names of the men who were loss in John’s brigade. and at the beginning of the race, before the 17th corral of runners was released, the names of the fallen heroes were read. this group is called “Run to Remember” and has become a vital part of the community, to harness their strength, to heal, to survive, to bond together.
“John can’t run and I can, and I am healthy, so why shouldn’t I be out there? What better way to honor someone that’s died, than by living,” she told me.
Lisa speaks about John in the present, she wrote to me and said she cannot bring herself to write about him in the past tense. they speak of him often in their house. I stood over heidi being rocked to sleep as they prayed for daddy up in heaven. she wears his boxers to sleep and writes him Dear John letters often. she told me she knows she is on the slower track to healing.
Who’s going to teach Bryce to play water polo? Who’s going to take Heidi to the daddy daughter dances? And one day, who’s going to walk her down the isle? It’s one thing, when a dad is a jerk and he disappears. He doesn’t deserve to be a part of this kind of stuff… But John is everything wonderful. He wants to be a part of all of this. He deserves it… the kids do too. I don’t ever want to say its been years since John died. I want him ever in the present.
There are worries, when someone dies, that they will be forgotten. That those moments and memories, their voice and their habits will be replaced in our minds. We each have our own ways of carrying them with us, and for Lisa, she honors his life, their love, his sacrifice by running. she runs to remember. but she does more than that, she has taken a name being read over the news to us and she has put a face to the hurt. she has told his story and made that loss real. she has shown us the children that have his last name and she lives in a way that forces us to notice the sacrifice that John made, that she made, that 499 US families made in 2010.
john casket was greeted by lisa in california, his memorial taken place in the same parish they received their first communion, where they were married, by the same priest that told them til death do us part. and although there is deep sadness in this story and countless tears, lives that will forever be impacted, John’s life doesn’t end on August 25th, 2009…Lisa, Jackson, Bryce, Heidi, and so many others carry on his story, speak of him often and will never let him be forgotten.
his body is gone but lisa told me of how John comes to her. he comes to her through Bryce’s soft touch who is a spitting image of John, he comes and looks at her through the kids eyes, in a phone call from one of John’s friends who had a dream that he wanted to tell her happy anniversary, not knowing that day was their anniversary. he comes to her in a very different way now, but he is still very real and will always remain her husband, the man she writes, Dear John.
John wears only blue, when he has a choice.
When I’m sad, he wraps all of himself around all of me. There is no safer place in the world to be.
He likes his is pecan squares burnt. He hates showering, because he hates to get wet. He is obsessed with the ending of the Sopranos.
I think that leaving the kids for the deployment was the hardest thing he ever did. It was the only time I ever saw him cry.
Everyday he was alive and deployed, I listened to Donovan Frankenreiter and daydreamed about us dancing in the living room to that song. It took me a year before I was able to listen to Donovan Frankenreiter again. I still cry when I hear it because I know what should be.
The first time he deployed, he hid notes all over the house in secret places… It took me an entire year to find each of those love notes.
His nose is crooked from a boxing match in college. He didn’t call me for a week after the first time we kissed because he didn’t want to screw things up.
On our one year dating anniversary, he gave me a heart necklace with three diamonds in it… Now it seems so prophetic… one small diamond for each of our beautiful children. The heart for us.
_____
these are the moments that describe the love between lisa and john. the moments that tie them together and to their 3 kids.
but there is one moment that changed the path of how their love would be defined into the future.
she walked quickly, upping the pace next to the officer leading her. with their two week old, heidi, in her arms, the other two kids in childcare. through the doors, and to be greeted by men in suits rather then their normal military uniform. immediately, they read to her a grievance report, one that explained her husband John had been killed in Afghanistan. A casualty of war. only more than a casualty, a man that was ripped from the life they had planned, the family they formed. the love they grew.
this is the moment she wants forever to go back to just prior. before she knew.
back to even two weeks prior, when she had last spoken to him. only days after their daughter was born. “I haven’t even heard Heidi cry,” he said. “You have forever to hear her cry.” A final conversation that was never intended as a final conversation. those last interactions become the most precious reflected moments. 2 days prior to his deployment, to do a pregnancy shoot which are now the only pictures heidi has with her dad. a trip to Disneyland with the kids, to ride rides and laugh with their dad. leaving July 14th for Afghanistan. August 2nd, their 3rd child Heidi was born. August 5th, their last conversation. August 25th, the day John and 3 others were killed. the day an IED detonated under his stryker vehicle.
i sat on the couch in Lisa’s house, the one she and john built together, and she told me of their love story as so many couples tell me. how she had had a crush on him, how he had left $20 for her to find in the fridge so she’d have gas money to come visit him. how she visited him on valentines weekend where he was stationed in Hawaii. How he said last minute he had a 24 hours shift, for her to go on a hike up a mountain with a girlfriend only to see John at the top of the mountain, with a ring from Tiffany’s. i could feel the intensity in their love, in their story.
she explained the type of man john was. that he wanted to serve, it was his choice. that she knew God only gives us what we can bear, she just wanted to know why He thought she would be able to bear the weight of the loss of her husband. “God knew John was going to die and I have to know that I am doing something good, that God wanted me to do something good with his life.”
it all comes back to running.
2 days after john died, she went on a run. something that was normal for her. something that began to be healing for her. then a friend joined, a wife from John’s brigade. then others started joining. they run wearing their husband’s PT shirts. they run in blue. each saturday, before they run, they call out the names of the soldiers that are lost and those to be honored. “We want to humanize the loss.” The women trained for the Seattle Rock N Roll marathon, and on the 17th mile there was 41 flags with the names of the men who were loss in John’s brigade. and at the beginning of the race, before the 17th corral of runners was released, the names of the fallen heroes were read. this group is called “Run to Remember” and has become a vital part of the community, to harness their strength, to heal, to survive, to bond together.
“John can’t run and I can, and I am healthy, so why shouldn’t I be out there? What better way to honor someone that’s died, than by living,” she told me.
Lisa speaks about John in the present, she wrote to me and said she cannot bring herself to write about him in the past tense. they speak of him often in their house. I stood over heidi being rocked to sleep as they prayed for daddy up in heaven. she wears his boxers to sleep and writes him Dear John letters often. she told me she knows she is on the slower track to healing.
Who’s going to teach Bryce to play water polo? Who’s going to take Heidi to the daddy daughter dances? And one day, who’s going to walk her down the isle? It’s one thing, when a dad is a jerk and he disappears. He doesn’t deserve to be a part of this kind of stuff… But John is everything wonderful. He wants to be a part of all of this. He deserves it… the kids do too. I don’t ever want to say its been years since John died. I want him ever in the present.
There are worries, when someone dies, that they will be forgotten. That those moments and memories, their voice and their habits will be replaced in our minds. We each have our own ways of carrying them with us, and for Lisa, she honors his life, their love, his sacrifice by running. she runs to remember. but she does more than that, she has taken a name being read over the news to us and she has put a face to the hurt. she has told his story and made that loss real. she has shown us the children that have his last name and she lives in a way that forces us to notice the sacrifice that John made, that she made, that 499 US families made in 2010.
john casket was greeted by lisa in california, his memorial taken place in the same parish they received their first communion, where they were married, by the same priest that told them til death do us part. and although there is deep sadness in this story and countless tears, lives that will forever be impacted, John’s life doesn’t end on August 25th, 2009…Lisa, Jackson, Bryce, Heidi, and so many others carry on his story, speak of him often and will never let him be forgotten.
his body is gone but lisa told me of how John comes to her. he comes to her through Bryce’s soft touch who is a spitting image of John, he comes and looks at her through the kids eyes, in a phone call from one of John’s friends who had a dream that he wanted to tell her happy anniversary, not knowing that day was their anniversary. he comes to her in a very different way now, but he is still very real and will always remain her husband, the man she writes, Dear John.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Dads drunken bar fight at the Red Dragon
So I come home to put away my meds and I hear from mom and dad - that dad got into a bar fight with 7 twenty year old guys. Some kid was bragging about getting a medal of honor or something and dad starts asking question - guy is probably in the military and asks where is his military ID card. Guy doesn't have one and dad says he is full of shit or something along those lines. Starts gathering his friends because dad kind if calling him out on his lie. This kids acts like he is going to throw a punch and dad lands the one first. According to mom - dad hit all seven and two hit him - he pays his tab and goes to leave calling mom to pick him up say he only got hit twice? At this point is sounds like Catherine, Johnny and Holly all jump in the car to get dad at the red dragon. Full on fight. Dad fell down a bunch scraped both knees and forearms, even got a bruised cheek. Mom said Catherine was yelling, pulling shirts and scratching, getting in peoples faces. Holly was barking and wanted to get in on the action. John never got hit - only an elbow to the eye getting someone off dad. They didn't want Jessica to find out so they made up a story that he was helping mom put up boxes and one fell on him. But oh my goodness dad - I think that is another bar he is never going to go to. What is that two bars this month he has gotten kind of kicked out of. (Tower - lecturing some guy on how to raise his kids and he winked at dad). Poor mom. But Catherine and Johnny were all fired up. Reminds me of Rome and the gypsies that grab me and Catherine and I punched them off. Catherine was so fired up she wanted to punch something.
Grr.. Money Issues
One thing I forgot to write about a couple of days ago was the conversation I had with my mom about money. More in particular Ryan having people pay for his ticket to Searcy and then Six Flags. I know they offered and they really want him there and he doesn't want to miss out - yadda yadda. But he took it - he is going there for a week on someone elses dime. Maybe its shocking because I don't think I could do it. I try not to advertise my misfortunes or make a big deal out of them, plus I have seen Ryan flaunt that fact that he is not paying for this trip. Its like he is not being humble, respectful or tackful. Its almost as if money have no value. I was brought up believing that if you wanted something you have to work at it/earn it. Something you can't do; I don;t know plan, save and sacrifice. I know I am just bitter and jealous. I should be happy that he is lucky to have friends like that and he is able to do something he loves. I hope he realizes that he's not only leaving me out, but also leaving me behind. He won't even miss me when he is gone because he is having so much fun and I am a crazy psycho girl he is getting a break from.
El Pollo Loco and Fighter
Had my doctors appointment with Doctor Stephens today. They just moved to their new office in Pleasant Hill; its passed the mall kind of where Ryan and I first tried yoga. I caught him up on the blood study Doctor Richman put me in and how things haven't really changed - not better or worse. He could actually hear my slurred speech - which is normal because I am due for my infusions next week. We also talked about my job interview and how I cried during the interview and that I was completely open with them about my condition and treatment. He was proud of that and thinks I would be a good asset even considering my condition. It felt really good to hear - since I haven't felt much of anything lately.
John took his break at the house - we talked about Dan and his back problem. John doesn't think that the physical therapist knows what he/she is taking about. Apparently Dan told him so story about drinking and passing out wrong on his back. When he came in he could barely walk and John was able to get movement. I just takes longer than a day or two. But that is not the story Dan told to Ryan and probably not even his PT. Annoying that he is not giving anyone the full story and that he may be stopping John's sessions when he was seeing some improvement. Maybe he just wanted the pain killers and muscle relaxers. Grr Dan and he has my water bottle still.
Plyometrics. Ryan of course want to try to talk me into skipping or doing it later. I can't believe him we are so close to being done. He might just be frustrated that it is still hard. I think that is the beauty of the program that it will always be hard no matter how many times you do it. Each time so can do it a little stronger, faster and more extreme that the time before.
I feel bad at some point when I got to his house I make a comment that his floor smelled like pee. He has got a bad sense of smell. My big mouth; after we worked out he ended up getting on his hands and knees and cleaned the floor with a towel and simple green. I wonder if I am the only one who can smell it. Does my house, bedroom , bathroom have a smell.
We snacked on leftovers - finished the last crab sandwich and heirloom tomato while Ryan watched the Giants game. Then I decide we should eat at El Pollo Loco and get chicken taco and burritos off the dollar menu. But we had to eat inside because its all about the salsa. Once we got back we settles down to watch Fighter off of Netflixs. I actually enjoyed the movie, I can't believe that family they were awful. And somehow you know they are problem just like that or worse.
John took his break at the house - we talked about Dan and his back problem. John doesn't think that the physical therapist knows what he/she is taking about. Apparently Dan told him so story about drinking and passing out wrong on his back. When he came in he could barely walk and John was able to get movement. I just takes longer than a day or two. But that is not the story Dan told to Ryan and probably not even his PT. Annoying that he is not giving anyone the full story and that he may be stopping John's sessions when he was seeing some improvement. Maybe he just wanted the pain killers and muscle relaxers. Grr Dan and he has my water bottle still.
Plyometrics. Ryan of course want to try to talk me into skipping or doing it later. I can't believe him we are so close to being done. He might just be frustrated that it is still hard. I think that is the beauty of the program that it will always be hard no matter how many times you do it. Each time so can do it a little stronger, faster and more extreme that the time before.
I feel bad at some point when I got to his house I make a comment that his floor smelled like pee. He has got a bad sense of smell. My big mouth; after we worked out he ended up getting on his hands and knees and cleaned the floor with a towel and simple green. I wonder if I am the only one who can smell it. Does my house, bedroom , bathroom have a smell.
We snacked on leftovers - finished the last crab sandwich and heirloom tomato while Ryan watched the Giants game. Then I decide we should eat at El Pollo Loco and get chicken taco and burritos off the dollar menu. But we had to eat inside because its all about the salsa. Once we got back we settles down to watch Fighter off of Netflixs. I actually enjoyed the movie, I can't believe that family they were awful. And somehow you know they are problem just like that or worse.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Crab Sandwiches with Green Onions
5 miles in the park!! So pathetic during my fourth mile I saw am older man in front of me - I could even catch him. ugg. Today was Chest and Back. Wow that break really hurts us although I kept up to what I did last time. Ryan and still view working out differently. He loved our three week break and I felt gross and fat; missed it and would rather not take long breaks like that. Maybe go lighter and not as intense. I think he would be happy only working out 3 days a week. As I am proud to be consistent at 5. Thankfully I am getting in the grove of running on my own because when our P90X finishes up in about 3 weeks; Ryan is taking a long break again.
Dinner. Ryan remember to bring home crab from the cafe. So it was crab sandwiches with green onions in thick sliced sourdough bread. Avocado and heirloom tomatoes on the side. He actually got good organic tomato - he was going for fresh and qualtiy to get more flavor. Watched Battle: Los Angeles.
Dinner. Ryan remember to bring home crab from the cafe. So it was crab sandwiches with green onions in thick sliced sourdough bread. Avocado and heirloom tomatoes on the side. He actually got good organic tomato - he was going for fresh and qualtiy to get more flavor. Watched Battle: Los Angeles.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Phone Died
Lazy morning - I should have gotten up and went for a run. But I was tired and sad. I think I had bad dreams but I can't remember them. So instead I tested the scratched Just Go With It on the DVD player and it worked so I ended up watching that with my dad. Then played around on facebook and looked up the plastic scrubber for Ryan's cafe. I thought that would be hard ti track down or find something similar to. But it wasn't I simply Googled it and found it under Amazon. It is a discontinued product by one place has 13 - 6 packs for sale. Anyways I forward it to Ryan and ended up talking to Sianie online. She saw the date for the Concord tournament were set and inquired if it was okay to stay with me again. She was even thinking about staying longer. I told her it was fine but hopefully by then I would be working and I would be home all day so it might not be as fun. I also expressed my concern about a Concord tournament and Amy playing. I wonder if Ryan will keep his promise.
During this time I was playing with my phone which seem to be having problem finding and signal, which in my house is pretty normal. But at this point I also hadn't heard from Ryan all day. So at one point I even ventured outside and tried to find a signal. Nothing. So around 3 I called Ryan from the main line. Told him about my phone issues. Apparently he texted earlier to see if I want to go to get mediterranean food and go for a walk. I said sure - I even had errand to run (the bank and red box to return the movies) and I was currently talking to Sianie online and needed to sign off and say goodbye. Ryan said see you soon. I thought he was coming to pick me up and he thought I was meeting him at his house. Anyways more than a half hour passes and no word from him. So I called him. Miscommunication. And still he wants me to drive over there because he has qzar later or meet him at qzar. At this point I don't even want to go. Here I am making the effort to call and figure things out and all he care about is making it to qzar on time. Well I feel special that he is squeezing me in and making time for me. (sarcastic)
At least when we do meet up he apologizes and kisses me (I am still a little mad) I mean how can we be dating so long and be so bad at it. Its like he doesn't care and the little details. Then we walk holding hands a couple of blocks to the Mediterranean in Park and Shop. We share a falafel wrap and he gets me a rootbeer. I am so easily bought. It does work. SO I am trying to figure out qzar and it seems to me that California don't have many teams to offer the rest of them. Searcy has 2, Tampa is close by, Little Rock, Squirrels (Texas) - even the Europeans have 3 Irish and 2 English team plus possible Russian and Swedish players. So I don't get the benefit of cali tourney. Plus I don't like that Amy showed an interest in coming. I told Ryan about her comment and he just ignored me and didn't respond. Not a good sign. It seems to me that he want to play no matter what and its not important to keep his words. (Probably because he and Amy are just friends and never talk). Gr I wish he would have said something to reassure me. No luck there. Just like Searcy he just wants to have a good time and not miss out on anything. Not worried about leaving me out or behind.
I try to put that all behind me and just let is go and we walk. My second surprise is ice cream at Baskin Robbins we each get a sugar cone. Me-Rocky Road and him-Pralines and Cream. We then walk to the bank for me. And kill time looking around in the used book store until he has to get to qzar. I walk in with him to get book from Kevin. And wait for dinner with Amber. Roccos pizza - not as good as I want it to be plus bad service. But it was good to see Amber - even though nothing seems to change with her.
During this time I was playing with my phone which seem to be having problem finding and signal, which in my house is pretty normal. But at this point I also hadn't heard from Ryan all day. So at one point I even ventured outside and tried to find a signal. Nothing. So around 3 I called Ryan from the main line. Told him about my phone issues. Apparently he texted earlier to see if I want to go to get mediterranean food and go for a walk. I said sure - I even had errand to run (the bank and red box to return the movies) and I was currently talking to Sianie online and needed to sign off and say goodbye. Ryan said see you soon. I thought he was coming to pick me up and he thought I was meeting him at his house. Anyways more than a half hour passes and no word from him. So I called him. Miscommunication. And still he wants me to drive over there because he has qzar later or meet him at qzar. At this point I don't even want to go. Here I am making the effort to call and figure things out and all he care about is making it to qzar on time. Well I feel special that he is squeezing me in and making time for me. (sarcastic)
At least when we do meet up he apologizes and kisses me (I am still a little mad) I mean how can we be dating so long and be so bad at it. Its like he doesn't care and the little details. Then we walk holding hands a couple of blocks to the Mediterranean in Park and Shop. We share a falafel wrap and he gets me a rootbeer. I am so easily bought. It does work. SO I am trying to figure out qzar and it seems to me that California don't have many teams to offer the rest of them. Searcy has 2, Tampa is close by, Little Rock, Squirrels (Texas) - even the Europeans have 3 Irish and 2 English team plus possible Russian and Swedish players. So I don't get the benefit of cali tourney. Plus I don't like that Amy showed an interest in coming. I told Ryan about her comment and he just ignored me and didn't respond. Not a good sign. It seems to me that he want to play no matter what and its not important to keep his words. (Probably because he and Amy are just friends and never talk). Gr I wish he would have said something to reassure me. No luck there. Just like Searcy he just wants to have a good time and not miss out on anything. Not worried about leaving me out or behind.
I try to put that all behind me and just let is go and we walk. My second surprise is ice cream at Baskin Robbins we each get a sugar cone. Me-Rocky Road and him-Pralines and Cream. We then walk to the bank for me. And kill time looking around in the used book store until he has to get to qzar. I walk in with him to get book from Kevin. And wait for dinner with Amber. Roccos pizza - not as good as I want it to be plus bad service. But it was good to see Amber - even though nothing seems to change with her.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Shells and White Cheddar with Mango Salad
Farmers market - for the first time in almost a month we finally get to go to the farmers market and share a crepe. What a beautiful day too. I even showered and dressed up in my white shirt. Almost seems a pity that we made a stop in to the Qzar to help Dan finish up the last of his videos. It only left us a half hour to look around and relax at Panama. Granted I was late to begin with only because I thought Ryan wasn't going to make it and took my time getting ready for the day and errands. I just seems to feel like that's what Ryan would rather be doing shooting the breeze with the guys. He did leave after he was done filming so I guess it should count for something. While waiting at the Qzar I found a recipe for melon salad in the Sunset Magazine figures it would be a good addition to dinner so that its not all carbs.
After Ryan left went to Safeway to get everything that we needed for tonight. Got a small nap in. It was more than a small nap I passed out with the cat for almost two hours. Went to Ryans house to workout since we didn't ever get around to it yesterday. Ryan told me that Dan went to the doctors to complain about his back. They gave him muscle relaxers, scheduled him physical therapy and told him not to see John to get adjusted any more. And of course he didn't want to tell me this. Poor John - I know he is a profession but I want him to succeed and help people. Surprised Ryan told me about that and not the fact that he got ticket to Searcy. I know its because I am not going but I can't take money from people. I don't think its right and I also feel he doesn't really want me there. I guess no guy truly wants a girlfriend around when he is with the guys. Italy will never come and he'll never give up Qzar.
I am not sure if Ryan was tired but he seemed extra annoyed - cursing more at P90X and Tony more than normal. At first I felt he was mad at me for running late all day. Or maybe Dan for flaking. It didn't put me in a good mood - I didn't even take a shower with him to rinse off. So I called Catherine to give er an update and possible watch a really bad chick flick from the Red Box - I was think Ramona and Beezus or Vampires Suck. Not so lucky they didn't have either of those at the Red Box so I picked up Just Go With It (scratched and won't play) and Country Strong. But I come home to a messy house and Mom eating one of the ingredients to the melon salad. Then Catherine is talking on the phone and decides to leave to pick up Bobby because he has no car? So no Dan and no Catherine now. I am so done with Tuesday nights. Waste of my money and I am the one who is really broke with no job and a mountain of debt. And Ryan gets to go to Searcy and Catherine has Dartanyan to take her to a wedding and I am the one left behind waiting like a loser. Ryan should just go back to hanging out with Dan on tuesday night drinking and playing video game.
Asiago and white cheddar shells with bacon and bread crumbs.
I wish the recipe was more exciting. But I do it this way so I can feed a lot of people. I buy the Shells and White Cheddar Pasta Roni boxes from Safeway <88cents> (cook as directed) I used four boxes, then added 1/2 block finely grated aged asiago cheese, 1 cup home-made bacon chopped into bits, 1/4 cup bread crumbs - mix and pour in buttered casserole dish. Top with rest of asiago cheese, 1/2 cup of bacon bits and sprinkle with bread crumbs. Bake at 400 degree oven for 15 mins.
You could probably cut everything in half or at least the pasta in half and make everything cheesier. I made this to feed 8 people + leftovers. Wish I was more gourmet or it was fancier/classier but it works. I think the bacon helps take it to the next level. Buy the way I didn't really measure so all of those are approximations.
Mango salad inspired by Sunset Magazine. (Mango, tomatoes, cucumber, serrano chile, cilantro and lime juice.
After Ryan left went to Safeway to get everything that we needed for tonight. Got a small nap in. It was more than a small nap I passed out with the cat for almost two hours. Went to Ryans house to workout since we didn't ever get around to it yesterday. Ryan told me that Dan went to the doctors to complain about his back. They gave him muscle relaxers, scheduled him physical therapy and told him not to see John to get adjusted any more. And of course he didn't want to tell me this. Poor John - I know he is a profession but I want him to succeed and help people. Surprised Ryan told me about that and not the fact that he got ticket to Searcy. I know its because I am not going but I can't take money from people. I don't think its right and I also feel he doesn't really want me there. I guess no guy truly wants a girlfriend around when he is with the guys. Italy will never come and he'll never give up Qzar.
I am not sure if Ryan was tired but he seemed extra annoyed - cursing more at P90X and Tony more than normal. At first I felt he was mad at me for running late all day. Or maybe Dan for flaking. It didn't put me in a good mood - I didn't even take a shower with him to rinse off. So I called Catherine to give er an update and possible watch a really bad chick flick from the Red Box - I was think Ramona and Beezus or Vampires Suck. Not so lucky they didn't have either of those at the Red Box so I picked up Just Go With It (scratched and won't play) and Country Strong. But I come home to a messy house and Mom eating one of the ingredients to the melon salad. Then Catherine is talking on the phone and decides to leave to pick up Bobby because he has no car? So no Dan and no Catherine now. I am so done with Tuesday nights. Waste of my money and I am the one who is really broke with no job and a mountain of debt. And Ryan gets to go to Searcy and Catherine has Dartanyan to take her to a wedding and I am the one left behind waiting like a loser. Ryan should just go back to hanging out with Dan on tuesday night drinking and playing video game.
Asiago and white cheddar shells with bacon and bread crumbs.
I wish the recipe was more exciting. But I do it this way so I can feed a lot of people. I buy the Shells and White Cheddar Pasta Roni boxes from Safeway <88cents> (cook as directed) I used four boxes, then added 1/2 block finely grated aged asiago cheese, 1 cup home-made bacon chopped into bits, 1/4 cup bread crumbs - mix and pour in buttered casserole dish. Top with rest of asiago cheese, 1/2 cup of bacon bits and sprinkle with bread crumbs. Bake at 400 degree oven for 15 mins.
You could probably cut everything in half or at least the pasta in half and make everything cheesier. I made this to feed 8 people + leftovers. Wish I was more gourmet or it was fancier/classier but it works. I think the bacon helps take it to the next level. Buy the way I didn't really measure so all of those are approximations.
Mango salad inspired by Sunset Magazine. (Mango, tomatoes, cucumber, serrano chile, cilantro and lime juice.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Qzar Videos
Woke up early to accompany Ryan shopping for the cafe. We dropped everything off and ate chicken fried steak and gravy for breakfast. Met up with Dan to do instructional qzar videos. Most of the morning we spend time testing setting and lights, sound quality. In one of the takes I am beside the camera knitting squares for Sianie's blanket. They might crop that out or refilm. We basically filmed until we ran out of battery life. Ryan said it bored him because I already knew off of this stuff and then you have me on the other hand who knows very little. So good balance - I think. So that was four hours of my morning just to get lunch and head to Dan's pool where they continued talking qzar, people and possible teams in certain arenas. They mention that they could make possibly three cali teams - and my mind drifts to Amy and Jugg. It's wrong for me to say they can't play but I don't want Ryan anywhere near her and he promised me that if they show up to a tournament he wouldn't play. I am wondering if any of this would be tested and if so would he keep his promise. He has already lied about practicing every other week.
After the pool so hot and tired. But Dan's house is way too hot and dirty to relax in. I took Ryan's car and went home to air conditioning and a slurpee. Ryan and I still need to workout (Legs and Back/ Ab Ripper X) after they get done watching Friends With Benefits while I take a nap.
After the pool so hot and tired. But Dan's house is way too hot and dirty to relax in. I took Ryan's car and went home to air conditioning and a slurpee. Ryan and I still need to workout (Legs and Back/ Ab Ripper X) after they get done watching Friends With Benefits while I take a nap.
Captain America
Sunday with the family - I spent the night at Ryan's house and missed church. While I should feel bad about that I don't, I love waking up next to him. So after telling mom about my day yesterday we cleaned house while waiting for Joann's to open. Where we got knitting clips and looked at dress patterns. Then killed more time at half-price book. Met up with Dad and ate I Love Teriyaki for sushi. Then we all went to see Captain America. (Mom, Dad, Catherine, John, Steve, Ryan and myself. Such a good movie.
Later Ryan and I did our yoga at my house while dad barbecued tri-tip, salmon and then we mixed up a capri salad. Catherine took off to meet up with Dartanyan. So Mom, Dad, Ryan and I sat down with Asti and ate while telling stories around the dinner table.
Ryan and I tried to watch Beastly but John and Jessica came over. Ryan napped while I entertained them. I also gave them the Stinky Rose gift certificate. I love spoiling them. Plus I got adjusted. After they all left - we finished the movie. Long day but comfortable in my own home.
Later Ryan and I did our yoga at my house while dad barbecued tri-tip, salmon and then we mixed up a capri salad. Catherine took off to meet up with Dartanyan. So Mom, Dad, Ryan and I sat down with Asti and ate while telling stories around the dinner table.
Ryan and I tried to watch Beastly but John and Jessica came over. Ryan napped while I entertained them. I also gave them the Stinky Rose gift certificate. I love spoiling them. Plus I got adjusted. After they all left - we finished the movie. Long day but comfortable in my own home.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Friends with Benefits
Just watched the movie with my mom and sister. I love it- laughs and cried. I think it is one that I am going to end up buying. Then afterwards- after a little thought I got sad. There was a part where they were talking about believing in true love and best friends. Once again my thoughts drift to Ryan and Amy. He was her best friends and they knew each other so well. So many things in common plus she was the first girls he ever wanted and enjoyed talking to. I even began thinking about the book I just finished reading and how you can love two people at once and you can't compare them because they are different but what it all comes down to is a choice to commit to someone and something. He failed at that.
Today was Cadance's 2nd birthday party and Jessica William's Birthday BBQ too. While Josh's started at 1 and Jessica's at 4. Nothing went smoothly. For one Kevin and Chassity who were driving from Roseville didn't even get on the road till 3 when Ryan got off. But while hanging out waiting I ate a nasty hot dog that tasted like bologna and ended up giving me a stomach ache and gas. When they finally showed up we hungout even went to visit Dan at work. By the time they left it was almost 8pm - I was still feeling gross and never made it to Jessica's party. =*( I did force myself to workout and that hurt. Poor Puffy.
Today was Cadance's 2nd birthday party and Jessica William's Birthday BBQ too. While Josh's started at 1 and Jessica's at 4. Nothing went smoothly. For one Kevin and Chassity who were driving from Roseville didn't even get on the road till 3 when Ryan got off. But while hanging out waiting I ate a nasty hot dog that tasted like bologna and ended up giving me a stomach ache and gas. When they finally showed up we hungout even went to visit Dan at work. By the time they left it was almost 8pm - I was still feeling gross and never made it to Jessica's party. =*( I did force myself to workout and that hurt. Poor Puffy.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Moive in the park
Published Contra Costa Times Friday July 22, 2011
LAST MINUTE ideas for getting out of the house the weekend of July 22-24
Dragons Rule
Bring the entire family; popcorn and soda and settle in for an outdoor movie experience with "How to Train Your Dragon", about a hapless young Viking who aspires to hunt the big fire-breathing creatures but instead befriends a young dragon that changes his mindset. The cute animated file screens at dusk Friday on Main Street in downtown Clayton. This free event is hosted by the city of Clayton. "Rango" will screen July 29. Info:925-673-9060, http://claytoncccalendar.blogstop.com.
It was Ryan turn to figure out dinner. He wanted to bring crab home from work (most likely for crab melt sandwiches) but he forgot. So instead of being good we went out. Silly food channel after we workout, he was craving burgers. So Red Robin it was. And since we were being bad we got a Bleu Cheese Burger double patty split and a bottle-less root beer float(=D). Overkill even with sharing it was too much maybe it was the 2075 mg of Sodium or perhaps Calories: 1001, Fat: 57g, Carbs: 70g, Protein: 47g. Ugh so much for getting back on track with our broke diet. Then it was on to our best idea yet. NAP TIME. Our bodies must have been working over time because woke up sweating hot. Then on to our movie. We were lucky that the church group putting it on had chairs we could use. They also had popcorn, ice sandwiches, cookies and snow cones for purchase. The was even a massage therapist giving out free five minute chair massages. Note to self - don't sit toward the back like we did. That where a lot of parent with young kids are who run around and don't sit still. I hardly noticed them except for the occasional run ins. I do wish they put the screen in a better place or there was less traffic driving through with their lights reflection in the screen. But I was totally engrossed with the movie - I even cried. I know such a sap. What a simple wonderful night. Ended it by giving Ryan a massage.
LAST MINUTE ideas for getting out of the house the weekend of July 22-24
Dragons Rule
Bring the entire family; popcorn and soda and settle in for an outdoor movie experience with "How to Train Your Dragon", about a hapless young Viking who aspires to hunt the big fire-breathing creatures but instead befriends a young dragon that changes his mindset. The cute animated file screens at dusk Friday on Main Street in downtown Clayton. This free event is hosted by the city of Clayton. "Rango" will screen July 29. Info:925-673-9060, http://claytoncccalendar.blogstop.com.
It was Ryan turn to figure out dinner. He wanted to bring crab home from work (most likely for crab melt sandwiches) but he forgot. So instead of being good we went out. Silly food channel after we workout, he was craving burgers. So Red Robin it was. And since we were being bad we got a Bleu Cheese Burger double patty split and a bottle-less root beer float(=D). Overkill even with sharing it was too much maybe it was the 2075 mg of Sodium or perhaps Calories: 1001, Fat: 57g, Carbs: 70g, Protein: 47g. Ugh so much for getting back on track with our broke diet. Then it was on to our best idea yet. NAP TIME. Our bodies must have been working over time because woke up sweating hot. Then on to our movie. We were lucky that the church group putting it on had chairs we could use. They also had popcorn, ice sandwiches, cookies and snow cones for purchase. The was even a massage therapist giving out free five minute chair massages. Note to self - don't sit toward the back like we did. That where a lot of parent with young kids are who run around and don't sit still. I hardly noticed them except for the occasional run ins. I do wish they put the screen in a better place or there was less traffic driving through with their lights reflection in the screen. But I was totally engrossed with the movie - I even cried. I know such a sap. What a simple wonderful night. Ended it by giving Ryan a massage.
More Amy
Ryan Beard
o
...
Good morning. Ok we are bad. I was so tired this morning, definately going to nap today=)
*
July 25, 2009
Amy Fortelny Wolpert
o
yes i am sooo tired too. I am not sure if us old people can do that anymore, stay up late and get up early! lol. Well I already told you that the party is at 2pm today, i will not be bringing my phone with me over there, just so you know =)=) ok well I hope your work day went well and I hope everyone enjoyed their Peets! Till later you!
July 25, 2009
Ryan Beard
o
Yeah you need to go enjoy yourself, even if its with older people. Someone might shine some wisdom on you=) So happy you are not taking your phone too. I am going to a movie then off to dinner at chilis to see Dan with Chris and Elisha. Yeah the late thing is hard, I think we are better off getting to bed early and hopefully talking early in the morning. But its so hard not to talk with you, especially when I know it makes you happy.
o
...
Good morning. Ok we are bad. I was so tired this morning, definately going to nap today=)
*
July 25, 2009
Amy Fortelny Wolpert
o
yes i am sooo tired too. I am not sure if us old people can do that anymore, stay up late and get up early! lol. Well I already told you that the party is at 2pm today, i will not be bringing my phone with me over there, just so you know =)=) ok well I hope your work day went well and I hope everyone enjoyed their Peets! Till later you!
July 25, 2009
Ryan Beard
o
Yeah you need to go enjoy yourself, even if its with older people. Someone might shine some wisdom on you=) So happy you are not taking your phone too. I am going to a movie then off to dinner at chilis to see Dan with Chris and Elisha. Yeah the late thing is hard, I think we are better off getting to bed early and hopefully talking early in the morning. But its so hard not to talk with you, especially when I know it makes you happy.
Her letter
Thu, October 15, 2009 1:03:41 AM
Subject: To Amy...
So I have to tell you something. I need to be completely honest with you. Not that I have ever lied to you because i haven't. I have real feelings for you, I have now for ten years and now that you feel the same my feelings have become deeper. I let you know that I told Teresa about our feelings for eachother. Before I told her she had been distant from me, almost cold. But ever since then she has trying to be close to me. Going to the gym, movies, reading books, eating out. I have tried so hard to keep things normal with her. She told me how stupid she was for caring so much what her friends and family thought of me and that was something I have been wanting to hear for years. Do I still love her? Yes. Do i want to still be with her? I dont know but i felt it necessary to be honest with you. I dont want you to get hurt, I dont want to be the one that hurts you. I have always tried to be there for you and right now I know I have feelings for both of you. With Teresa I have a history and such a strong love for her I almost find myself being pulled to her sometimes like gravity. With you...you are the first girl I ever wanted to be with. The first girl that I loved talking to. And now that there is a possibility of us being together I want it so bad. I feel like there is the possibility of us having a wonderful life together, we have so much in common, so many things to share. I have helped you out so much and genuinely so with no intentions of any of this happening but it has happened and i am happy it has. Touching you, kissing you, holding you feels so good. I spend my days going over all these emotions, everyday. I have come to one conclusion...there is no wrong choice and yet someone has to get hurt and either way i cant regret anything. I would be lying to you if I said it didnt bug me that you are still married to that jerk. It never leaves my mind that Rand is the most important person in your life, rightfully so, and yet you do deserve to be happy. I dont want to complicate your life or add stress, I know it relaxes you and makes you happy to talk to me. God I want you to be happy, I know you would be happy with me. That being said I have no idea what to do but like I said I thought you had the right to know the whole situation. You said you really like me. I know that means you want to be with me but i guess what im getting at is I need more. I need to know your feelings for me, I need to know if you believe we could make it, I need to know if you see us being together and if so where will we be in 6 months, in a year? And if this is all too much for you I understand if you decide to back away from me and just stay friends. Again you needed to know all this so you can have some type of say or at least know exactly how I feel. I dont want to see you hurt and I guess in a way I dont want to get hurt either. I care deeply for you...I...
Subject: To Amy...
So I have to tell you something. I need to be completely honest with you. Not that I have ever lied to you because i haven't. I have real feelings for you, I have now for ten years and now that you feel the same my feelings have become deeper. I let you know that I told Teresa about our feelings for eachother. Before I told her she had been distant from me, almost cold. But ever since then she has trying to be close to me. Going to the gym, movies, reading books, eating out. I have tried so hard to keep things normal with her. She told me how stupid she was for caring so much what her friends and family thought of me and that was something I have been wanting to hear for years. Do I still love her? Yes. Do i want to still be with her? I dont know but i felt it necessary to be honest with you. I dont want you to get hurt, I dont want to be the one that hurts you. I have always tried to be there for you and right now I know I have feelings for both of you. With Teresa I have a history and such a strong love for her I almost find myself being pulled to her sometimes like gravity. With you...you are the first girl I ever wanted to be with. The first girl that I loved talking to. And now that there is a possibility of us being together I want it so bad. I feel like there is the possibility of us having a wonderful life together, we have so much in common, so many things to share. I have helped you out so much and genuinely so with no intentions of any of this happening but it has happened and i am happy it has. Touching you, kissing you, holding you feels so good. I spend my days going over all these emotions, everyday. I have come to one conclusion...there is no wrong choice and yet someone has to get hurt and either way i cant regret anything. I would be lying to you if I said it didnt bug me that you are still married to that jerk. It never leaves my mind that Rand is the most important person in your life, rightfully so, and yet you do deserve to be happy. I dont want to complicate your life or add stress, I know it relaxes you and makes you happy to talk to me. God I want you to be happy, I know you would be happy with me. That being said I have no idea what to do but like I said I thought you had the right to know the whole situation. You said you really like me. I know that means you want to be with me but i guess what im getting at is I need more. I need to know your feelings for me, I need to know if you believe we could make it, I need to know if you see us being together and if so where will we be in 6 months, in a year? And if this is all too much for you I understand if you decide to back away from me and just stay friends. Again you needed to know all this so you can have some type of say or at least know exactly how I feel. I dont want to see you hurt and I guess in a way I dont want to get hurt either. I care deeply for you...I...
Life - as Ryan sees it
Thu, May 6, 2010 3:12:14 AM
Subject: Life
A little over a year ago I helped a friend out. This friend came to me and confided in me that she was depressed. That her life was not the way she had hoped it would turn out, not even close. She said she was unhappy in every aspect of her life. Her marriage was a source of constant strife and her job had become unbearable. She simply felt alone and terribly unhappy in almost every phase of her life, except her love of her son. She told me that she was so depressed that she had already attempted suicide once a year earlier on her birthday, the only thing that saved her was the thought of not being there for her son. This did not prevent her however from still thinking about suicide often. She said she had tried on several occasions to communicate these problems to her husband for years and still nothing had changed. I understand that couples need to deal with their problems together and in private but what does someone do when they dont feel their partner is listening or changing. Well she reached out to a friend...that friend was me. I dont like to get into other peoples problems too much or tell them how to solve them. So in the beginning I just listened. For months we would just talk and I would just listen, try and keep things light, offer suggestions on how she might fix things, or just plain make her smile or laugh with my terrible sarcasm. I just thought "If I am there to listen and be a good friend then maybe I can keep her thoughts positive and help her grow enough strength to get through this rough period in her life". I would do this for any of my friends. She grew more and more sure that she needed to get out of the situation she was in immediatly or she wouldnt make it. She decided to stay at her parents for a couple months to try and get her head on straight and figure out what she was going to do with her life. I supported her in her decision because I had asked her once how she was doing and she responded by say she didnt think she would last another day in the house she was in. It scared me to think what she might do. She spent three months at her parents, away from her husband. Needless to say she was really happy and you could tell just by talking to her. In the months leading up to this point and from the time she had told me about her unhappiness and attempted suicide her and I grew closer, we talked almost everyday. Our conversations were usually just light hearted and comical, my attempts at making her feel better but we did grow strong feelings for eachother. One day we told eachother about how we felt. We even agreed that it wasnt something that would be helpful to her situation and so we refrained from acting on those feelings any further. I never wanted to interfere with her life in that way or be suggestive of her marriage in a negative way and I made it a point personnaly to never offer advice on what to do with her marriage, I just wanted to help a friend who was in dire straits, a friend who I felt was in serious danger of hurting herself to end the pain she was in. I was even completely honest with the girl I was seeing at the time. I never wanted to hurt anyone, not even my friends husband but I did want to be there for her no matter what. When she came back from her parents, she wanted to move out into her own place. She still needed to find a job at this point, and in the middle of a recession at that. But she felt that if she moved back in with her husband that she might not last very long. You might think "why didnt she just stay at her parents?" Well through all this all she ever thought of first was her young son. And she wanted her son to be close to his father and his family. Well I loaned her some money to rent an apartment and she decided to keep it close to her sons dad. She found a place just 5 minutes down the road from him and close to her sons school. Not only did she want her son to be close to his father but she wanted her husband to be close to their son also, always putting everyone ahead of herself. Of course i explained earlier that she had talked with her husband before about her depression and about changing things and yet nothing ever did, which of course led her to thoughts of suicide. I wont tell you of their marital problems because that isnt anyones business, not even mine. It's not good to be judgemental of other peoples problems. Well she was able to move into her apartment but her husband never left her alone after that. He was constantly calling her or showing up trying to get her back, trying to essentially save their marriage but ultimately smothering her of any free emotional growth. She couldnt gain any strength with the barage of arguments that filled her days and nights. Most of the friends they had or the people they knew as a couple knew that something was wrong with them but actually and saddly were kept in the dark of the details of their marital problems. And of course as people often do when they only get trickles of info or two different sides to a story, people judge, gossip, and spread it all throughout a network of friends which only tends to make a situation worse. I guess that is one of the reasons I am writing about it now. i get so sick of people gossiping about stuff they only guess at or they spread rumors that grow into opinions with others.It begins to effect so many. Any way I had been listening to her problems, first hand, and I had even helped her financially and of course eventually her husband came to know I was helping her. I had even driven up to buy her common household items like a can opener so she could eat soup or garbage bags for christ sake. And of course instead of realizing what the real problems in his marriage were he began to blame me for dividing him and his wife. At this point I felt like I had begun to hurt her situation more than I was helping but ultimately realized I couldnt abandon her...she was still fragile and still talked of her thoughts of suicide and this was over a year after she had attempted to kill herself. I really didnt think she would be ok unless she got away, far away but she only thought of her son and so I supported her, listened and provided the little money that I could for her rent. Other people helped her out as well, providing someone to talk with and even helping to pay her rent. Sadly these people were scared of her husband so much that they didnt want it to get out they were helping her. I guess I was always scared of him as well because he has been known to be volitile at the drop of a hat. But I cared more for my friends life than I did for my own safety. Of course all he did now was blame me for their problems and continue to argue constantly about me. Eventually she couldnt pay her rent, I or anyone else couldnt help her pay it and she didnt want to accept anymore money from friends. She was also tired of being alone in an apartment everday while her son was staying with her husband. She decided to quit running from her marriage, she moved back in with her husband to face her problems head on. She wanted to make her husband realize that she didnt want to be with him anymore and she wanted her husband and her to still be friendly for the sake of their son and ultimately she wanted to grow strong by facing her fears and getting strong enough to move on and make a good life hopefully for her and her son. Of course everyone saw this as her giving up and going back to her husband, an illusion that is happily kept up by him. I in the meantime continued to have strong feelings for her and even though we could do nothing about it we kept up communication. Unfortunately our communication caused her a lot of grief while she was still living there so one day we decided that we shouldnt text echother anymore. She felt his would help her deal with her problems easier and would lead her husband to realize I wasnt the problem. It did make her life easier but didnt help her husband realize any easier that the marriage was over. Even though they were not technically divorced, she made it constantly clear that she wanted nothing to do with him in an intimate or husbandly capacity, he just refused to hear it though. She cant transfer from her job until she has been there 6 months and she doesnt want to yank her son out of school until the school year is over. And still she hopes for a friendly relationship with her husband when she leaves so she continues to be as kind as possible to him without giving him any false hope or wrong signals. All the while of course I have to wonder from afar if she is ok, if she isnt going to try and kill herself, if she is still strong enough to move on in a positive direction. I also screwed up because I hurt someone I never wanted to hurt. I chose to be with a girl I have loved now for over 8 years. I want to try and give us a chance to grow and see where we will end up so I decided to break contact with this other girl who was married. I cared for her but in her current situation I could not be with her and it wouldnt have been healthy to do so. Other people know of this situation but none of them know the whole story, probably not even half the story and some only know it from the husbands eyes which I find is sad because they have never reached out to the wife even though they were her friends too supposedly. I find it even more sad that there are people that will help but wont anymore because they dont want to be inbetween a rock and a hard place like me...ultimately they dont really want to help her and that is very sad indeed.
Subject: Life
A little over a year ago I helped a friend out. This friend came to me and confided in me that she was depressed. That her life was not the way she had hoped it would turn out, not even close. She said she was unhappy in every aspect of her life. Her marriage was a source of constant strife and her job had become unbearable. She simply felt alone and terribly unhappy in almost every phase of her life, except her love of her son. She told me that she was so depressed that she had already attempted suicide once a year earlier on her birthday, the only thing that saved her was the thought of not being there for her son. This did not prevent her however from still thinking about suicide often. She said she had tried on several occasions to communicate these problems to her husband for years and still nothing had changed. I understand that couples need to deal with their problems together and in private but what does someone do when they dont feel their partner is listening or changing. Well she reached out to a friend...that friend was me. I dont like to get into other peoples problems too much or tell them how to solve them. So in the beginning I just listened. For months we would just talk and I would just listen, try and keep things light, offer suggestions on how she might fix things, or just plain make her smile or laugh with my terrible sarcasm. I just thought "If I am there to listen and be a good friend then maybe I can keep her thoughts positive and help her grow enough strength to get through this rough period in her life". I would do this for any of my friends. She grew more and more sure that she needed to get out of the situation she was in immediatly or she wouldnt make it. She decided to stay at her parents for a couple months to try and get her head on straight and figure out what she was going to do with her life. I supported her in her decision because I had asked her once how she was doing and she responded by say she didnt think she would last another day in the house she was in. It scared me to think what she might do. She spent three months at her parents, away from her husband. Needless to say she was really happy and you could tell just by talking to her. In the months leading up to this point and from the time she had told me about her unhappiness and attempted suicide her and I grew closer, we talked almost everyday. Our conversations were usually just light hearted and comical, my attempts at making her feel better but we did grow strong feelings for eachother. One day we told eachother about how we felt. We even agreed that it wasnt something that would be helpful to her situation and so we refrained from acting on those feelings any further. I never wanted to interfere with her life in that way or be suggestive of her marriage in a negative way and I made it a point personnaly to never offer advice on what to do with her marriage, I just wanted to help a friend who was in dire straits, a friend who I felt was in serious danger of hurting herself to end the pain she was in. I was even completely honest with the girl I was seeing at the time. I never wanted to hurt anyone, not even my friends husband but I did want to be there for her no matter what. When she came back from her parents, she wanted to move out into her own place. She still needed to find a job at this point, and in the middle of a recession at that. But she felt that if she moved back in with her husband that she might not last very long. You might think "why didnt she just stay at her parents?" Well through all this all she ever thought of first was her young son. And she wanted her son to be close to his father and his family. Well I loaned her some money to rent an apartment and she decided to keep it close to her sons dad. She found a place just 5 minutes down the road from him and close to her sons school. Not only did she want her son to be close to his father but she wanted her husband to be close to their son also, always putting everyone ahead of herself. Of course i explained earlier that she had talked with her husband before about her depression and about changing things and yet nothing ever did, which of course led her to thoughts of suicide. I wont tell you of their marital problems because that isnt anyones business, not even mine. It's not good to be judgemental of other peoples problems. Well she was able to move into her apartment but her husband never left her alone after that. He was constantly calling her or showing up trying to get her back, trying to essentially save their marriage but ultimately smothering her of any free emotional growth. She couldnt gain any strength with the barage of arguments that filled her days and nights. Most of the friends they had or the people they knew as a couple knew that something was wrong with them but actually and saddly were kept in the dark of the details of their marital problems. And of course as people often do when they only get trickles of info or two different sides to a story, people judge, gossip, and spread it all throughout a network of friends which only tends to make a situation worse. I guess that is one of the reasons I am writing about it now. i get so sick of people gossiping about stuff they only guess at or they spread rumors that grow into opinions with others.It begins to effect so many. Any way I had been listening to her problems, first hand, and I had even helped her financially and of course eventually her husband came to know I was helping her. I had even driven up to buy her common household items like a can opener so she could eat soup or garbage bags for christ sake. And of course instead of realizing what the real problems in his marriage were he began to blame me for dividing him and his wife. At this point I felt like I had begun to hurt her situation more than I was helping but ultimately realized I couldnt abandon her...she was still fragile and still talked of her thoughts of suicide and this was over a year after she had attempted to kill herself. I really didnt think she would be ok unless she got away, far away but she only thought of her son and so I supported her, listened and provided the little money that I could for her rent. Other people helped her out as well, providing someone to talk with and even helping to pay her rent. Sadly these people were scared of her husband so much that they didnt want it to get out they were helping her. I guess I was always scared of him as well because he has been known to be volitile at the drop of a hat. But I cared more for my friends life than I did for my own safety. Of course all he did now was blame me for their problems and continue to argue constantly about me. Eventually she couldnt pay her rent, I or anyone else couldnt help her pay it and she didnt want to accept anymore money from friends. She was also tired of being alone in an apartment everday while her son was staying with her husband. She decided to quit running from her marriage, she moved back in with her husband to face her problems head on. She wanted to make her husband realize that she didnt want to be with him anymore and she wanted her husband and her to still be friendly for the sake of their son and ultimately she wanted to grow strong by facing her fears and getting strong enough to move on and make a good life hopefully for her and her son. Of course everyone saw this as her giving up and going back to her husband, an illusion that is happily kept up by him. I in the meantime continued to have strong feelings for her and even though we could do nothing about it we kept up communication. Unfortunately our communication caused her a lot of grief while she was still living there so one day we decided that we shouldnt text echother anymore. She felt his would help her deal with her problems easier and would lead her husband to realize I wasnt the problem. It did make her life easier but didnt help her husband realize any easier that the marriage was over. Even though they were not technically divorced, she made it constantly clear that she wanted nothing to do with him in an intimate or husbandly capacity, he just refused to hear it though. She cant transfer from her job until she has been there 6 months and she doesnt want to yank her son out of school until the school year is over. And still she hopes for a friendly relationship with her husband when she leaves so she continues to be as kind as possible to him without giving him any false hope or wrong signals. All the while of course I have to wonder from afar if she is ok, if she isnt going to try and kill herself, if she is still strong enough to move on in a positive direction. I also screwed up because I hurt someone I never wanted to hurt. I chose to be with a girl I have loved now for over 8 years. I want to try and give us a chance to grow and see where we will end up so I decided to break contact with this other girl who was married. I cared for her but in her current situation I could not be with her and it wouldnt have been healthy to do so. Other people know of this situation but none of them know the whole story, probably not even half the story and some only know it from the husbands eyes which I find is sad because they have never reached out to the wife even though they were her friends too supposedly. I find it even more sad that there are people that will help but wont anymore because they dont want to be inbetween a rock and a hard place like me...ultimately they dont really want to help her and that is very sad indeed.
Another break up letter
Sun, July 25, 2010 7:41:21 PM
Teresa,
I know that we are happy when we are together. Things seem to be going well but Im not happy with myself. Im not sure what I am doing but I know I need to figure it out. Figure out 100% if I want to settle down because if I were to settle down with you it would be forever and that is a step i dont ever want to go back from. I dont really know what to say...Im sorry, I dont have the courage to do this in person. You are always so full of joy...happy around me and I cant bare to ruin that, to see it drain from you, to see you cry, to hear you call yourself stupid. I made the mistake of trying to talk to you about time apart...I have to just do it not because of you but because I feel I need it to make me right. I hardly slept at all in Searcy thinking about this, I have so many sleepless nights and my stomach is always sour with regrets, guilt and shame for the way I have lived my life the past year, the way I have treated all the people I care about. I cant go on like this. I need to be alone for a while to figure out what I want out of life because Im not the same person I was years ago and I miss the guy that loved you so much...I love you Teresa. You and I work so well together, we can be happy together, i just dont know that I want such a serious step right now. I dont want to hurt you and Im certain I cant restrain myself, it pulls at me constantly, tearing me in two, I dont want to be with you or anyone else, I just need friends for now. I dont want you completely out of my life but for now I need space to be alone because for some damn reason that is how I work best to solve me. Im sorry Teresa...I love you beautiful.
Teresa,
I know that we are happy when we are together. Things seem to be going well but Im not happy with myself. Im not sure what I am doing but I know I need to figure it out. Figure out 100% if I want to settle down because if I were to settle down with you it would be forever and that is a step i dont ever want to go back from. I dont really know what to say...Im sorry, I dont have the courage to do this in person. You are always so full of joy...happy around me and I cant bare to ruin that, to see it drain from you, to see you cry, to hear you call yourself stupid. I made the mistake of trying to talk to you about time apart...I have to just do it not because of you but because I feel I need it to make me right. I hardly slept at all in Searcy thinking about this, I have so many sleepless nights and my stomach is always sour with regrets, guilt and shame for the way I have lived my life the past year, the way I have treated all the people I care about. I cant go on like this. I need to be alone for a while to figure out what I want out of life because Im not the same person I was years ago and I miss the guy that loved you so much...I love you Teresa. You and I work so well together, we can be happy together, i just dont know that I want such a serious step right now. I dont want to hurt you and Im certain I cant restrain myself, it pulls at me constantly, tearing me in two, I dont want to be with you or anyone else, I just need friends for now. I dont want you completely out of my life but for now I need space to be alone because for some damn reason that is how I work best to solve me. Im sorry Teresa...I love you beautiful.
A life marrying me
He wonders why I have problems letting this all go. Technically we have been going out since December - he chose me. And seven months later he need time apart to help her, think for himself without feeling guilty. Even though this was a letter never sent - this is what he is thinking inside. A life marrying me would slowly drain him.
Sun, July 11, 2010 12:53:54 AM
Dear Teresa,
What can I say...you are special to me beyond simply making me happy. Knowing you has changed me, led me to believe in myself. You are special in a way it is hard to explain except in one word...alive. You beam with life, people...I percieve you in a bright light. You make me feel alive...you breathe life into me with your pure optimistic sunshine that floods your eyes, smile, hair, cheeks, and skin. You may not percieve yourself in this way and that is sad but ultimately I hope you understand it to be true.
I have tried for weeks to come up with the courage, the words to tell you what I feel, what I believe in my heart. I have hurt you but I have also hurt Amy, and truely I have hurt myself with my uncharacteristic actions. I have lied and tried to cover things up to protect you, knowing full well that it was foolish. I wish we could just move on with our lives and make it all go away but it isnt right. I hurt inside, not just from hurting you and Amy but also from letting myself down. I am not the same person I was years ago. I am not sure I want to settle down. I know for certain I am not good for you right now...not good for anyone mainly because I dont know what I want out of life. Im not sure how my life will end up or grow and that is poison for commitment. If ever there was someone I wanted to marry it was you...it would be you. But for now I am not sure I agree with the fairytale you want even though I love you so much I want to give it to you so bad but that would slowly drain me. Someday I might change in my heart, that is impossible to say but a part of me hopes for it.
The old me would have never hurt you, not ever but now I seem to do it with the simplist choices. Not choices that are easy but choices that tug at my heart. A desire to help someone I care about. A choice that conflicts with my love for you even though it shouldnt. I didnt contact Amy the last time because I wanted to be with her. I truely cared about and worried for her and made a stupid choice but I made it out of the goodness of my heart, to help, not to hurt. Even though it did end up hurting everyone. Again I am sorry.
I truely did believe that time apart would be good for us, to rethink...reboot our lives and hopefully reconnect in a special way. I still believe that would have been a tough choice but a fair one considering the events we have put ourselves through. I am at a loss to understand all of it, to explain all of it. But it isnt right that we keep going on like we can just put it all aside and forget about it. You deserve better than giving me chance after chance. I need room to breathe...space to grow and to figure my life out. You need room to to breathe as well...space to grow and love yourself again without relying on me especially since I keep letting you down. You deserve better, not better than me or from me but better from yourself. There is no trust between us. We lie to eachother and try to push through the ugliness we are mired in but the trust we generate is superficial and fleeting. Only enough to get us through a tough day here and there but not enough to let go for a while and trust we will both be ok. It is right to trust ourselves for our health and eachother for our futures. I dont want to run off and be with Amy, I am not good for anyone right now. I dont plan on waiting for Amy it would be a foolish act that would bog down my spirit with uncertainty. I do however want to apologize to Amy for treating her like a pawn in a chess game, a pawn I used to try and save my relationship with you. I only want to be free, free to grow and I dont feel healthy enough right now to learn myself better. Freedom without guilt, shame, or emotional uncertainty. I hurt daily as Im sure you do, though we do hide it well. I have not slept well over the past few months and on a few occasions have not slept at all through the night. All of this weighs on my heart and mind, crushing my spirit, and suffocating my will to be alive. Alive...something which you helped me feel all those years ago.
Teresa...I love you. You are and always will be my angel. Im not sure how long I need. I dont want to put a time on it, I dont want to get your hopes up. I dont want to lead you on hanging on, waiting for me. I dont deserve your paitence and you deserve more than what I can give you now. I am not good for you or anyone right now. We dont share very many views on things that are important to you. I dont believe a strong family is needed to have a good life. To be married and have children seems to be the most important thing in your life. Im not sure how I feel about these let alone how they rank in my future or there importance to my happiness. I so want you to be happy but Im not sure Im good for you right now...Im barely good enough for me.
I have tried for weeks to say these things to you to get you to understand where I was coming from. It seems impossible for me to ever get close to hurting you as I know this decision will. I know I will regret not having the courage to tell you this in person but it is killing me now even thinking about sending this to you even though I know it is right or I would have let all this go and pushed on with you with no regard to my sanity. I love you beautiful. I hope you are not selfish and believe that ending your life would solve anything. It would only pass on your pain to every person who loves you. But alas I cannot control your decisions no more than you can control this one I am making, I can only let you know I love you...I always have and always will. Please fill yourself with the same feeling of liveliness you brought to me all those years ago. Who knows what the future may hold for us both, we can only hope for the best and accept with joy and light what may be.
Your loving mister,
Sun, July 11, 2010 12:53:54 AM
Dear Teresa,
What can I say...you are special to me beyond simply making me happy. Knowing you has changed me, led me to believe in myself. You are special in a way it is hard to explain except in one word...alive. You beam with life, people...I percieve you in a bright light. You make me feel alive...you breathe life into me with your pure optimistic sunshine that floods your eyes, smile, hair, cheeks, and skin. You may not percieve yourself in this way and that is sad but ultimately I hope you understand it to be true.
I have tried for weeks to come up with the courage, the words to tell you what I feel, what I believe in my heart. I have hurt you but I have also hurt Amy, and truely I have hurt myself with my uncharacteristic actions. I have lied and tried to cover things up to protect you, knowing full well that it was foolish. I wish we could just move on with our lives and make it all go away but it isnt right. I hurt inside, not just from hurting you and Amy but also from letting myself down. I am not the same person I was years ago. I am not sure I want to settle down. I know for certain I am not good for you right now...not good for anyone mainly because I dont know what I want out of life. Im not sure how my life will end up or grow and that is poison for commitment. If ever there was someone I wanted to marry it was you...it would be you. But for now I am not sure I agree with the fairytale you want even though I love you so much I want to give it to you so bad but that would slowly drain me. Someday I might change in my heart, that is impossible to say but a part of me hopes for it.
The old me would have never hurt you, not ever but now I seem to do it with the simplist choices. Not choices that are easy but choices that tug at my heart. A desire to help someone I care about. A choice that conflicts with my love for you even though it shouldnt. I didnt contact Amy the last time because I wanted to be with her. I truely cared about and worried for her and made a stupid choice but I made it out of the goodness of my heart, to help, not to hurt. Even though it did end up hurting everyone. Again I am sorry.
I truely did believe that time apart would be good for us, to rethink...reboot our lives and hopefully reconnect in a special way. I still believe that would have been a tough choice but a fair one considering the events we have put ourselves through. I am at a loss to understand all of it, to explain all of it. But it isnt right that we keep going on like we can just put it all aside and forget about it. You deserve better than giving me chance after chance. I need room to breathe...space to grow and to figure my life out. You need room to to breathe as well...space to grow and love yourself again without relying on me especially since I keep letting you down. You deserve better, not better than me or from me but better from yourself. There is no trust between us. We lie to eachother and try to push through the ugliness we are mired in but the trust we generate is superficial and fleeting. Only enough to get us through a tough day here and there but not enough to let go for a while and trust we will both be ok. It is right to trust ourselves for our health and eachother for our futures. I dont want to run off and be with Amy, I am not good for anyone right now. I dont plan on waiting for Amy it would be a foolish act that would bog down my spirit with uncertainty. I do however want to apologize to Amy for treating her like a pawn in a chess game, a pawn I used to try and save my relationship with you. I only want to be free, free to grow and I dont feel healthy enough right now to learn myself better. Freedom without guilt, shame, or emotional uncertainty. I hurt daily as Im sure you do, though we do hide it well. I have not slept well over the past few months and on a few occasions have not slept at all through the night. All of this weighs on my heart and mind, crushing my spirit, and suffocating my will to be alive. Alive...something which you helped me feel all those years ago.
Teresa...I love you. You are and always will be my angel. Im not sure how long I need. I dont want to put a time on it, I dont want to get your hopes up. I dont want to lead you on hanging on, waiting for me. I dont deserve your paitence and you deserve more than what I can give you now. I am not good for you or anyone right now. We dont share very many views on things that are important to you. I dont believe a strong family is needed to have a good life. To be married and have children seems to be the most important thing in your life. Im not sure how I feel about these let alone how they rank in my future or there importance to my happiness. I so want you to be happy but Im not sure Im good for you right now...Im barely good enough for me.
I have tried for weeks to say these things to you to get you to understand where I was coming from. It seems impossible for me to ever get close to hurting you as I know this decision will. I know I will regret not having the courage to tell you this in person but it is killing me now even thinking about sending this to you even though I know it is right or I would have let all this go and pushed on with you with no regard to my sanity. I love you beautiful. I hope you are not selfish and believe that ending your life would solve anything. It would only pass on your pain to every person who loves you. But alas I cannot control your decisions no more than you can control this one I am making, I can only let you know I love you...I always have and always will. Please fill yourself with the same feeling of liveliness you brought to me all those years ago. Who knows what the future may hold for us both, we can only hope for the best and accept with joy and light what may be.
Your loving mister,
Crying at night
Saturday April 2, 2011 at 2:38am
Dear Mister,
I want to talk with you more, but it never seem to go alright. Do you really think I am a hypocrite? I have always loved myspace and facebook the application and pictures, blogging- I recall in the past when I was ashamed of the whole you and Sebastian thing that I did some stupid things to hide it like delete posts or comments. But you did the same thing to me when you wanted to hide things from Amy or you and Amy were hiding things from Jugg. So aren't you the same as me in this. I did want to start over with the whole facebook thing - especially now that all those picture of you and other women are off. And as for asking you to take those pictures down - why is that so bad. For one you should be having those up of drunken times with married women especially if it bothers me. Why is it so terrible to put up pictures of us? Maybe thats not you and you rather be the A-hole gay drunk that you find so funny around your friends. Aghhhhh.. nevermind facebook is stupid and its stupid to ask - so instead for keeping this up - I'll get rid of my facebook. You win. Its all yours to ruin and start up again -emails and poking and keeping track of status. I hate it and I hate it that you never found it important enough to remedy with me. I mean how hard is it to say I love you - where others can see - or share the wonderful adventures we find. But you can share the fact that you fixed things with Amy and a huge weight is off your shoulders. You can comment on the hundred of pictures Catherine and I took and never once say something nice about us. Drama drama drama. You know its the one game I do play and its something that I built that I was proud of - it was of you and me and all the things that we do that I love and you wanted no part in it. Stupid I know and beneath you to fix. So I give up.
I do wonder if I'll ever feel special. I know you say its up to me to feel special. I do try and its hard because I never felt like you were happy that you picked me. From the beginning you had trouble letting go. I really did try to understand that she still need your help and friendship because she had no one. But all those texts messages everyday and love letters through email and facebook. Telling her you would jump with her and you could make her happy after I said all that to you for us. It hurts. Its like I was never able to make you happy - you always went back to her. And even when things finally started to settle and you were actually keeping distance - I found you lying again- but it was different this time you were really just checking up on her as a friend (if this time was truly friendship - what was everything before nevermind) - but you lied and covered it up or tried too and you were going to do it all again behind my back if I didn't catch you - "don't text unless I text you first she still gets all freaked out about it" - how dare you. As if I wasn't a stupid idiot for trying to look past it all and work things through. And I still love you and haven't given up. And the letter you wrote her that was so wrong you had to go and see her and fix everything. And of course I let you because that what I know I am suppose to do. And then the poking. come on please just stop. Its those little things that hurt. You even admitted to checking her facebook everyday just to see what she was up to. Now you fixed you news feed so perfect just perfect you can see everything she does. Sorry I ever messed anything up. But to me - I am not something special especially after all of this. It didn't seem you chose me and were happy. Or that you stopped talking to Amy by choice. She stopped because it made her life easier and you kept trying with happy birthday posts and posts about going to the beach and Jugg commented back that you were stalking her. I know you kept saying you want to be with me, but I am confused by all your actions and even you attitude towards facebook and me. How am I suppose to feel special or loved. By everything you are doing now - its all the same as before just now there is no Amy. Just like before we spend everyday together doing simple and comfortable things we both love. But this is the ways we always were and Amy still happened. It doesn't seem like enough - not new and exciting or inspiring enough to ignite something deep inside of you and write poetry again. Your not the center of attention with all Janets friends and coworkers. I can't compete with any of that and while this may be okay for the time being - I am afraid you'll find something else. A new project, or friend to help and fall in love with. Fears fears fears I have to let it go and trust you. All I can say is I am hurt still and scared. I wish you would do more. More what? Anything and everything - letters, poems, texts messsage, email, facebook, flowers, i dont know everything - because its silly and extra and unnecessary but you want to make me smile and cry happy tears and surprise me with more than I need or want because you can and you love me. I think about it all the time - leaving notes or flowers on your car or helping you wash dishes or shop for the cafe, texting you just because I am thinking of you but I don't because you seemto be happy just the way things are and you've stopped doing those things. So I give up too.
I know I hate my current situation and disorder. And thats terrible and bad. I need to love myself and accept it. I know all this and thats hard its another thing I am working on and failing at. I want a future with you. I love you. You scare me. I know I have to trust you. I know you never intended to hurt me or Amy in all of this but it happened. I don't think you ever intend to hurt anyone but it happens and maybe more so because we think so differently. I want to believe that I have always been the one - like you said the day outside of panama. But that was so long ago and so much has happened. I don't know what to believe. But even if I believe that now you have settled your feeling an made up you mind and all of this was one big mess - I still don't feel special. This whole thing took a lot out of me. I don't know what to do to fix it and I don't know why you won't do everything to fix it. I almost want to give you your time away. If we both love each other more that we did before then why don't I feel relieved and thankful and special. Maybe we are too different and maybe we can love each other and are not meant to be together. Maybe it needs more time.
Dear Mister,
I want to talk with you more, but it never seem to go alright. Do you really think I am a hypocrite? I have always loved myspace and facebook the application and pictures, blogging- I recall in the past when I was ashamed of the whole you and Sebastian thing that I did some stupid things to hide it like delete posts or comments. But you did the same thing to me when you wanted to hide things from Amy or you and Amy were hiding things from Jugg. So aren't you the same as me in this. I did want to start over with the whole facebook thing - especially now that all those picture of you and other women are off. And as for asking you to take those pictures down - why is that so bad. For one you should be having those up of drunken times with married women especially if it bothers me. Why is it so terrible to put up pictures of us? Maybe thats not you and you rather be the A-hole gay drunk that you find so funny around your friends. Aghhhhh.. nevermind facebook is stupid and its stupid to ask - so instead for keeping this up - I'll get rid of my facebook. You win. Its all yours to ruin and start up again -emails and poking and keeping track of status. I hate it and I hate it that you never found it important enough to remedy with me. I mean how hard is it to say I love you - where others can see - or share the wonderful adventures we find. But you can share the fact that you fixed things with Amy and a huge weight is off your shoulders. You can comment on the hundred of pictures Catherine and I took and never once say something nice about us. Drama drama drama. You know its the one game I do play and its something that I built that I was proud of - it was of you and me and all the things that we do that I love and you wanted no part in it. Stupid I know and beneath you to fix. So I give up.
I do wonder if I'll ever feel special. I know you say its up to me to feel special. I do try and its hard because I never felt like you were happy that you picked me. From the beginning you had trouble letting go. I really did try to understand that she still need your help and friendship because she had no one. But all those texts messages everyday and love letters through email and facebook. Telling her you would jump with her and you could make her happy after I said all that to you for us. It hurts. Its like I was never able to make you happy - you always went back to her. And even when things finally started to settle and you were actually keeping distance - I found you lying again- but it was different this time you were really just checking up on her as a friend (if this time was truly friendship - what was everything before nevermind) - but you lied and covered it up or tried too and you were going to do it all again behind my back if I didn't catch you - "don't text unless I text you first she still gets all freaked out about it" - how dare you. As if I wasn't a stupid idiot for trying to look past it all and work things through. And I still love you and haven't given up. And the letter you wrote her that was so wrong you had to go and see her and fix everything. And of course I let you because that what I know I am suppose to do. And then the poking. come on please just stop. Its those little things that hurt. You even admitted to checking her facebook everyday just to see what she was up to. Now you fixed you news feed so perfect just perfect you can see everything she does. Sorry I ever messed anything up. But to me - I am not something special especially after all of this. It didn't seem you chose me and were happy. Or that you stopped talking to Amy by choice. She stopped because it made her life easier and you kept trying with happy birthday posts and posts about going to the beach and Jugg commented back that you were stalking her. I know you kept saying you want to be with me, but I am confused by all your actions and even you attitude towards facebook and me. How am I suppose to feel special or loved. By everything you are doing now - its all the same as before just now there is no Amy. Just like before we spend everyday together doing simple and comfortable things we both love. But this is the ways we always were and Amy still happened. It doesn't seem like enough - not new and exciting or inspiring enough to ignite something deep inside of you and write poetry again. Your not the center of attention with all Janets friends and coworkers. I can't compete with any of that and while this may be okay for the time being - I am afraid you'll find something else. A new project, or friend to help and fall in love with. Fears fears fears I have to let it go and trust you. All I can say is I am hurt still and scared. I wish you would do more. More what? Anything and everything - letters, poems, texts messsage, email, facebook, flowers, i dont know everything - because its silly and extra and unnecessary but you want to make me smile and cry happy tears and surprise me with more than I need or want because you can and you love me. I think about it all the time - leaving notes or flowers on your car or helping you wash dishes or shop for the cafe, texting you just because I am thinking of you but I don't because you seemto be happy just the way things are and you've stopped doing those things. So I give up too.
I know I hate my current situation and disorder. And thats terrible and bad. I need to love myself and accept it. I know all this and thats hard its another thing I am working on and failing at. I want a future with you. I love you. You scare me. I know I have to trust you. I know you never intended to hurt me or Amy in all of this but it happened. I don't think you ever intend to hurt anyone but it happens and maybe more so because we think so differently. I want to believe that I have always been the one - like you said the day outside of panama. But that was so long ago and so much has happened. I don't know what to believe. But even if I believe that now you have settled your feeling an made up you mind and all of this was one big mess - I still don't feel special. This whole thing took a lot out of me. I don't know what to do to fix it and I don't know why you won't do everything to fix it. I almost want to give you your time away. If we both love each other more that we did before then why don't I feel relieved and thankful and special. Maybe we are too different and maybe we can love each other and are not meant to be together. Maybe it needs more time.
Gr...Quiet Moment
Ryan Beard
Quiet Moment
Here's a rough draft of what I wrote last night. The song I attached was in the movie. Hope you enjoy it.
Never knew the best was yet to come
Thought my life would carry on
Realized I was missing out on something special in my soul
Felt an emptiness I could not fill
So i closed my eyes to make believe
Caught the wave of sweet, sweet dreams
Saw the light of perfection in a babies glow
And now I think I finally know
A child offers a deeper feeling than I have ever known
There's a quiet moment surrounding my whole world
I feel an explosion of love spilling out of me
A quiet moment that completes me
Growing up, they grow so fast
They show you good and surprise you with the bad
They cleanse the world with their infectious laugh
And these are the problems I wish i had
To ache with worry when they don't call
To hear the crack in my world when they fall
Soothe the fears that swim in their heads
To earn their love by showing them respect
I find a sanctuary in their boundless energy
There's a quiet moment that envelopes me
I feel a peaceful light that burns away my doubt
It's a quiet moment I only dream about
A quiet moment I hope I don't live without.
July 17, 2009
Amy Fortelny
Ryan,
You say this was a rough draft? It seem pretty complete to me. In fact I think it is beautifully written and sounds perfect.
I am pretty sure I asked you this same question last week but can you tell me again why you stopped writing? Seems as if when I read something you wrote, or in the instance prior to this one heard something you wrote, I am in awe and it makes me wonder why you would have ever stopped and not share your work with people.
I guess another question I could ask would be, what has inspired you to write lately? I know last night you said the movie you watched made you want to have kids, but there has to be more to it. Yes?
I am sorry to ask all these questions. I was just curious.
And just know that I think it was beautiful. I hope opinion means something. And if it does, I truly hope you continue.
On a separate note, that song was also beautiful.
Amy
July 17, 2009
Ryan Beard
That was the first thing I wrote in at least a year. I have been inspired to write more. To be honest you have inspired me to write, having awakened some feelings I haven't felt in a while. Though I haven't got around to penning anything concerning my feelings for you...yet=)
......Funny thing you went to this movie with me and yet she was the one who get the poem and you share this side of you. I want to be this person - this person that inspires you and awakens feelings deep inside. The one that keeps you up at night on the phone or computer just to talk about nothing important. She is the special one - so special she out shined me and us. How can I ever live up to that or move past it. I am not special. Funny how you watched that movie with me and didn't share this. Is it because you were thinking of her during the movie? Or because I don't have kids? Funny how you just wanted her to feel special because she was in a bad place and had no one, funny in order to do that you had to get romantically and sexually involved with a married woman and make me feel like a no one. Will I ever feel special? Will I ever feel like you really chose to be with me? You didn't even remember how many years we had been together? It must not be that important to you. Maybe the year with Amy didn't count, but then there was Kristen, Kate and Janet. So we have had one year and a bad one at that. Why should we even count this as a year if a year ago you were still trying to be with Amy. JUMP. Stupid. I am just the girl that wants to be with you. And I don't know who you are.
I want to pull back some how to protect myself - not be the first to say I love you all the time. Not go over to visit you as much and be s easy. Not want to call and always be available all the time. Those aren't ways to make you love me - just the ways I love you too much.
Quiet Moment
Here's a rough draft of what I wrote last night. The song I attached was in the movie. Hope you enjoy it.
Never knew the best was yet to come
Thought my life would carry on
Realized I was missing out on something special in my soul
Felt an emptiness I could not fill
So i closed my eyes to make believe
Caught the wave of sweet, sweet dreams
Saw the light of perfection in a babies glow
And now I think I finally know
A child offers a deeper feeling than I have ever known
There's a quiet moment surrounding my whole world
I feel an explosion of love spilling out of me
A quiet moment that completes me
Growing up, they grow so fast
They show you good and surprise you with the bad
They cleanse the world with their infectious laugh
And these are the problems I wish i had
To ache with worry when they don't call
To hear the crack in my world when they fall
Soothe the fears that swim in their heads
To earn their love by showing them respect
I find a sanctuary in their boundless energy
There's a quiet moment that envelopes me
I feel a peaceful light that burns away my doubt
It's a quiet moment I only dream about
A quiet moment I hope I don't live without.
July 17, 2009
Amy Fortelny
Ryan,
You say this was a rough draft? It seem pretty complete to me. In fact I think it is beautifully written and sounds perfect.
I am pretty sure I asked you this same question last week but can you tell me again why you stopped writing? Seems as if when I read something you wrote, or in the instance prior to this one heard something you wrote, I am in awe and it makes me wonder why you would have ever stopped and not share your work with people.
I guess another question I could ask would be, what has inspired you to write lately? I know last night you said the movie you watched made you want to have kids, but there has to be more to it. Yes?
I am sorry to ask all these questions. I was just curious.
And just know that I think it was beautiful. I hope opinion means something. And if it does, I truly hope you continue.
On a separate note, that song was also beautiful.
Amy
July 17, 2009
Ryan Beard
That was the first thing I wrote in at least a year. I have been inspired to write more. To be honest you have inspired me to write, having awakened some feelings I haven't felt in a while. Though I haven't got around to penning anything concerning my feelings for you...yet=)
......Funny thing you went to this movie with me and yet she was the one who get the poem and you share this side of you. I want to be this person - this person that inspires you and awakens feelings deep inside. The one that keeps you up at night on the phone or computer just to talk about nothing important. She is the special one - so special she out shined me and us. How can I ever live up to that or move past it. I am not special. Funny how you watched that movie with me and didn't share this. Is it because you were thinking of her during the movie? Or because I don't have kids? Funny how you just wanted her to feel special because she was in a bad place and had no one, funny in order to do that you had to get romantically and sexually involved with a married woman and make me feel like a no one. Will I ever feel special? Will I ever feel like you really chose to be with me? You didn't even remember how many years we had been together? It must not be that important to you. Maybe the year with Amy didn't count, but then there was Kristen, Kate and Janet. So we have had one year and a bad one at that. Why should we even count this as a year if a year ago you were still trying to be with Amy. JUMP. Stupid. I am just the girl that wants to be with you. And I don't know who you are.
I want to pull back some how to protect myself - not be the first to say I love you all the time. Not go over to visit you as much and be s easy. Not want to call and always be available all the time. Those aren't ways to make you love me - just the ways I love you too much.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Gr....
Ryan Beard
good...I guess
Im doing fine
Alan McMahon
u guess? :(:(
Ryan Beard
work is a little better
personal life...ehh
Alan McMahon
:(:(
u and teresa ok?
Ryan Beard
tired of getting into arguments that I dont start
over the same old problems
we are ok...stable
Alan McMahon
that sounds kinda crap i guess
Ryan Beard
I dont like confrontations
Alan McMahon
me either haha
Ryan Beard
not good with them
Alan McMahon
frustrating
Ryan Beard
yeah
Alan McMahon
u need another holiday
Ryan Beard
I dont like being alone but I do miss being free from relationship stress
I need a holiday once a month =
=)=)
.......I guess I should be happy that I am slightly better than being alone. This is what he says to his friends about me. Why is he even with me. I still bring up old stuff because I am still hurting over it and unsure about us. Now I doubt everything he does and says. And its my fault I can't get over it. I wish it was that easy to just forgive and move on. I guess I am not programmed like that. Now I don't even want to be friends with Al. Its not like any of his friends stand up for me. Janet and Christina all his stupid co-workers and other married women. Dan even thought he should be with Amy even helped her cause giving her money. Kim is just like him they don't like confrontation plus she cheated and is trying to leave her husband. I know he was in love with two people at the same time but he chose me and made me feel that I wasn't good enough. On top of it all she was and still is married with a kid...........
good...I guess
Im doing fine
Alan McMahon
u guess? :(:(
Ryan Beard
work is a little better
personal life...ehh
Alan McMahon
:(:(
u and teresa ok?
Ryan Beard
tired of getting into arguments that I dont start
over the same old problems
we are ok...stable
Alan McMahon
that sounds kinda crap i guess
Ryan Beard
I dont like confrontations
Alan McMahon
me either haha
Ryan Beard
not good with them
Alan McMahon
frustrating
Ryan Beard
yeah
Alan McMahon
u need another holiday
Ryan Beard
I dont like being alone but I do miss being free from relationship stress
I need a holiday once a month =
=)=)
.......I guess I should be happy that I am slightly better than being alone. This is what he says to his friends about me. Why is he even with me. I still bring up old stuff because I am still hurting over it and unsure about us. Now I doubt everything he does and says. And its my fault I can't get over it. I wish it was that easy to just forgive and move on. I guess I am not programmed like that. Now I don't even want to be friends with Al. Its not like any of his friends stand up for me. Janet and Christina all his stupid co-workers and other married women. Dan even thought he should be with Amy even helped her cause giving her money. Kim is just like him they don't like confrontation plus she cheated and is trying to leave her husband. I know he was in love with two people at the same time but he chose me and made me feel that I wasn't good enough. On top of it all she was and still is married with a kid...........
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