Crying at night

Saturday April 2, 2011 at 2:38am
Dear Mister,

I want to talk with you more, but it never seem to go alright. Do you really think I am a hypocrite? I have always loved myspace and facebook the application and pictures, blogging- I recall in the past when I was ashamed of the whole you and Sebastian thing that I did some stupid things to hide it like delete posts or comments. But you did the same thing to me when you wanted to hide things from Amy or you and Amy were hiding things from Jugg. So aren't you the same as me in this. I did want to start over with the whole facebook thing - especially now that all those picture of you and other women are off. And as for asking you to take those pictures down - why is that so bad. For one you should be having those up of drunken times with married women especially if it bothers me. Why is it so terrible to put up pictures of us? Maybe thats not you and you rather be the A-hole gay drunk that you find so funny around your friends. Aghhhhh.. nevermind facebook is stupid and its stupid to ask - so instead for keeping this up - I'll get rid of my facebook. You win. Its all yours to ruin and start up again -emails and poking and keeping track of status. I hate it and I hate it that you never found it important enough to remedy with me. I mean how hard is it to say I love you - where others can see - or share the wonderful adventures we find. But you can share the fact that you fixed things with Amy and a huge weight is off your shoulders. You can comment on the hundred of pictures Catherine and I took and never once say something nice about us. Drama drama drama. You know its the one game I do play and its something that I built that I was proud of - it was of you and me and all the things that we do that I love and you wanted no part in it. Stupid I know and beneath you to fix. So I give up.

I do wonder if I'll ever feel special. I know you say its up to me to feel special. I do try and its hard because I never felt like you were happy that you picked me. From the beginning you had trouble letting go. I really did try to understand that she still need your help and friendship because she had no one. But all those texts messages everyday and love letters through email and facebook. Telling her you would jump with her and you could make her happy after I said all that to you for us. It hurts. Its like I was never able to make you happy - you always went back to her. And even when things finally started to settle and you were actually keeping distance - I found you lying again- but it was different this time you were really just checking up on her as a friend (if this time was truly friendship - what was everything before nevermind) - but you lied and covered it up or tried too and you were going to do it all again behind my back if I didn't catch you - "don't text unless I text you first she still gets all freaked out about it" - how dare you. As if I wasn't a stupid idiot for trying to look past it all and work things through. And I still love you and haven't given up. And the letter you wrote her that was so wrong you had to go and see her and fix everything. And of course I let you because that what I know I am suppose to do. And then the poking. come on please just stop. Its those little things that hurt. You even admitted to checking her facebook everyday just to see what she was up to. Now you fixed you news feed so perfect just perfect you can see everything she does. Sorry I ever messed anything up. But to me - I am not something special especially after all of this. It didn't seem you chose me and were happy. Or that you stopped talking to Amy by choice. She stopped because it made her life easier and you kept trying with happy birthday posts and posts about going to the beach and Jugg commented back that you were stalking her. I know you kept saying you want to be with me, but I am confused by all your actions and even you attitude towards facebook and me. How am I suppose to feel special or loved. By everything you are doing now - its all the same as before just now there is no Amy. Just like before we spend everyday together doing simple and comfortable things we both love. But this is the ways we always were and Amy still happened. It doesn't seem like enough - not new and exciting or inspiring enough to ignite something deep inside of you and write poetry again. Your not the center of attention with all Janets friends and coworkers. I can't compete with any of that and while this may be okay for the time being - I am afraid you'll find something else. A new project, or friend to help and fall in love with. Fears fears fears I have to let it go and trust you. All I can say is I am hurt still and scared. I wish you would do more. More what? Anything and everything - letters, poems, texts messsage, email, facebook, flowers, i dont know everything - because its silly and extra and unnecessary but you want to make me smile and cry happy tears and surprise me with more than I need or want because you can and you love me. I think about it all the time - leaving notes or flowers on your car or helping you wash dishes or shop for the cafe, texting you just because I am thinking of you but I don't because you seemto be happy just the way things are and you've stopped doing those things. So I give up too.

I know I hate my current situation and disorder. And thats terrible and bad. I need to love myself and accept it. I know all this and thats hard its another thing I am working on and failing at. I want a future with you. I love you. You scare me. I know I have to trust you. I know you never intended to hurt me or Amy in all of this but it happened. I don't think you ever intend to hurt anyone but it happens and maybe more so because we think so differently. I want to believe that I have always been the one - like you said the day outside of panama. But that was so long ago and so much has happened. I don't know what to believe. But even if I believe that now you have settled your feeling an made up you mind and all of this was one big mess - I still don't feel special. This whole thing took a lot out of me. I don't know what to do to fix it and I don't know why you won't do everything to fix it. I almost want to give you your time away. If we both love each other more that we did before then why don't I feel relieved and thankful and special. Maybe we are too different and maybe we can love each other and are not meant to be together. Maybe it needs more time.