Sun, July 25, 2010 7:41:21 PM
Teresa,
I know that we are happy when we are together. Things seem to be going well but Im not happy with myself. Im not sure what I am doing but I know I need to figure it out. Figure out 100% if I want to settle down because if I were to settle down with you it would be forever and that is a step i dont ever want to go back from. I dont really know what to say...Im sorry, I dont have the courage to do this in person. You are always so full of joy...happy around me and I cant bare to ruin that, to see it drain from you, to see you cry, to hear you call yourself stupid. I made the mistake of trying to talk to you about time apart...I have to just do it not because of you but because I feel I need it to make me right. I hardly slept at all in Searcy thinking about this, I have so many sleepless nights and my stomach is always sour with regrets, guilt and shame for the way I have lived my life the past year, the way I have treated all the people I care about. I cant go on like this. I need to be alone for a while to figure out what I want out of life because Im not the same person I was years ago and I miss the guy that loved you so much...I love you Teresa. You and I work so well together, we can be happy together, i just dont know that I want such a serious step right now. I dont want to hurt you and Im certain I cant restrain myself, it pulls at me constantly, tearing me in two, I dont want to be with you or anyone else, I just need friends for now. I dont want you completely out of my life but for now I need space to be alone because for some damn reason that is how I work best to solve me. Im sorry Teresa...I love you beautiful.
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