A life marrying me

He wonders why I have problems letting this all go. Technically we have been going out since December - he chose me. And seven months later he need time apart to help her, think for himself without feeling guilty. Even though this was a letter never sent - this is what he is thinking inside. A life marrying me would slowly drain him.


Sun, July 11, 2010 12:53:54 AM
Dear Teresa,

What can I say...you are special to me beyond simply making me happy. Knowing you has changed me, led me to believe in myself. You are special in a way it is hard to explain except in one word...alive. You beam with life, people...I percieve you in a bright light. You make me feel alive...you breathe life into me with your pure optimistic sunshine that floods your eyes, smile, hair, cheeks, and skin. You may not percieve yourself in this way and that is sad but ultimately I hope you understand it to be true.
I have tried for weeks to come up with the courage, the words to tell you what I feel, what I believe in my heart. I have hurt you but I have also hurt Amy, and truely I have hurt myself with my uncharacteristic actions. I have lied and tried to cover things up to protect you, knowing full well that it was foolish. I wish we could just move on with our lives and make it all go away but it isnt right. I hurt inside, not just from hurting you and Amy but also from letting myself down. I am not the same person I was years ago. I am not sure I want to settle down. I know for certain I am not good for you right now...not good for anyone mainly because I dont know what I want out of life. Im not sure how my life will end up or grow and that is poison for commitment. If ever there was someone I wanted to marry it was you...it would be you. But for now I am not sure I agree with the fairytale you want even though I love you so much I want to give it to you so bad but that would slowly drain me. Someday I might change in my heart, that is impossible to say but a part of me hopes for it.
The old me would have never hurt you, not ever but now I seem to do it with the simplist choices. Not choices that are easy but choices that tug at my heart. A desire to help someone I care about. A choice that conflicts with my love for you even though it shouldnt. I didnt contact Amy the last time because I wanted to be with her. I truely cared about and worried for her and made a stupid choice but I made it out of the goodness of my heart, to help, not to hurt. Even though it did end up hurting everyone. Again I am sorry.
I truely did believe that time apart would be good for us, to rethink...reboot our lives and hopefully reconnect in a special way. I still believe that would have been a tough choice but a fair one considering the events we have put ourselves through. I am at a loss to understand all of it, to explain all of it. But it isnt right that we keep going on like we can just put it all aside and forget about it. You deserve better than giving me chance after chance. I need room to breathe...space to grow and to figure my life out. You need room to to breathe as well...space to grow and love yourself again without relying on me especially since I keep letting you down. You deserve better, not better than me or from me but better from yourself. There is no trust between us. We lie to eachother and try to push through the ugliness we are mired in but the trust we generate is superficial and fleeting. Only enough to get us through a tough day here and there but not enough to let go for a while and trust we will both be ok. It is right to trust ourselves for our health and eachother for our futures. I dont want to run off and be with Amy, I am not good for anyone right now. I dont plan on waiting for Amy it would be a foolish act that would bog down my spirit with uncertainty. I do however want to apologize to Amy for treating her like a pawn in a chess game, a pawn I used to try and save my relationship with you. I only want to be free, free to grow and I dont feel healthy enough right now to learn myself better. Freedom without guilt, shame, or emotional uncertainty. I hurt daily as Im sure you do, though we do hide it well. I have not slept well over the past few months and on a few occasions have not slept at all through the night. All of this weighs on my heart and mind, crushing my spirit, and suffocating my will to be alive. Alive...something which you helped me feel all those years ago.
Teresa...I love you. You are and always will be my angel. Im not sure how long I need. I dont want to put a time on it, I dont want to get your hopes up. I dont want to lead you on hanging on, waiting for me. I dont deserve your paitence and you deserve more than what I can give you now. I am not good for you or anyone right now. We dont share very many views on things that are important to you. I dont believe a strong family is needed to have a good life. To be married and have children seems to be the most important thing in your life. Im not sure how I feel about these let alone how they rank in my future or there importance to my happiness. I so want you to be happy but Im not sure Im good for you right now...Im barely good enough for me.
I have tried for weeks to say these things to you to get you to understand where I was coming from. It seems impossible for me to ever get close to hurting you as I know this decision will. I know I will regret not having the courage to tell you this in person but it is killing me now even thinking about sending this to you even though I know it is right or I would have let all this go and pushed on with you with no regard to my sanity. I love you beautiful. I hope you are not selfish and believe that ending your life would solve anything. It would only pass on your pain to every person who loves you. But alas I cannot control your decisions no more than you can control this one I am making, I can only let you know I love you...I always have and always will. Please fill yourself with the same feeling of liveliness you brought to me all those years ago. Who knows what the future may hold for us both, we can only hope for the best and accept with joy and light what may be.

Your loving mister,